Reclaiming Your Life, Refusing to Surrender to Depression

When we have held ourselves back, after a given amount of time, we naturally start to feel frustrated. This frustration is the catalyst to our next move. We surrender no more, but begin to experience the power that comes when we have shed enough pain and freed ourselves up to take better care of ourselves.

WRITE IT OUT

The next task goes one step further in reclaiming your life. It is primarily for those of us who don't understand why we are depressed, or else we know why we are depressed but don't understand why it affects us so badly.

Within every exchange that we have, we play a part - and we have a responsibility for the part we play. If we are depressed, the part we play can seem far removed from the reality, and we feel controlled or manipulated by others and other situations. In reclaiming our life, we have to ascertain our part, identify our responsibility, and become accountable.

When we are depressed we may interact with others in a 'neurotic' way. In many cases we will choose to play the Victim, Perpetrator or Martyr/Rescuer. These roles are tied up together so that we find we switch from one to another at a moment's notice. Sometimes we feel we have no power over this - it just happens and we can't understand why. These roles are explained as follows:

• As victims we feel as though we have no power and no choices. We are at the mercy of others and we cannot take our own decisions. We discount ourselves and prefer others to see us as having no influence. We feel ignored, we feel hopeless and we feel helpless. We also feel tremendous shame for having these feelings.

• As perpetrators we feel angry about being the victim and we believe that others have made us like this, so we turn on them. We are enraged at the way others treat us and, consequently, we don't want anyone near us. We make sure that no one gets in our way. We behave abusively by turning our self-abuse onto others. We can see that we frighten others and, even though we are remorseful, it doesn't stop us.

• As martyrs/rescuers we look at the 'victim' and feel it is our duty to rescue them, whether they want it or not! We do things for others or rescue them because we want something back - but we don't tell them what it is. Underneath our 'good deeds' we are waiting to get noticed and get our rewards. Let's face it, what would they do without us? It is our job to keep others together. If it wasn't for us they wouldn't survive. When we don't receive our reward we then turn back into the victim and feel helpless, hopeless and futile once more.

With depression, we lose the ability to be objective. We tend to gravitate to one or more of these roles. I have acted out all three in one day - many times! The cycle of depression keeps us stuck in these roles and we find it near impossible to step away from them. The more difficult we find it, the more likely it is that we were taught these roles as children. But even though these roles are comfortable and familiar, they hold us back from recovering from depression. We need to take a look at them.

These questions address these issues. You may not be able to answer them promptly. Don't concern yourself with a timescale but respond to them when you know the answers.

The path out of these neurotic ways of thinking is telling the truth. We have to begin by delving deep and asking ourselves, "What is our true motivation behind our behavior? What is it we want when we take on the mantle of the victim, persecutor or martyr?" We don't really want to feel helpless and hopeless and to be seen like this. Given the choice, we would prefer to feel liberated, blissful and excited about being alive.



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