In my earlier rather depressing job description of parenthood I pointed out the lack of any form of trade union representation to argue for parental rights and needs. Of course, by its very nature, parents do their job out of love, and voluntarily sacrifice many material things to be able to care for their children. However, there is also little doubt that governments have frequently taken advantage of this absence of cohesion of parents as a group, in order to be able to dictate to them about the financial aspects of child-rearing. The health professional can begin to fight for parents and can offer a great deal of support as well as representing parental views. However, the emergence of self-help groups has to be one of the most encouraging and stimulating developments in recent years.
The majority of these groups are focused on some particular aspect of parenthood. This may be crying, hyper-activity, asthma, eczema, the disabled, and so on - but they are a very real and valuable step towards parents understanding their problems more, feeling less isolated and being much more involved with professional decisions that may affect their children.
As well as self-help groups there are many other groups and organisations that give parents a voice and can offer support, reassurance, help and guidance. It is no secret that one of the chief advantages of mother and toddler groups, and pre-school playgroups, is the support that these groups offer the parents - not just the children.
A fascinating piece of research done in the 1970s looked at some of the characteristics of American parents.1 These characteristics applied to almost every parent, irrespective of social class, ethnicity, education, or religion. Even though over 20 years have passed, the chances are that they apply to you as well. They certainly apply to me. These were a selection:
• We have no real idea as to what a 'good parent' is
• We get virtually no parenting training
• Our view of parenthood is somewhat romantic
• We expect to be able to solve problems that the professionals can't
• We have complete responsibility for our children, but only partial authority
• We expect extremely high standards of ourselves as parents
• We often have to work with incomplete or conflicting information when trying to resolve situations with our children
• The standards we set for our children are even higher than those we set ourselves. We want them to be happier, and more successful, than we ever were.
We certainly mean well. Nevertheless, we simply have to accept that many of these beliefs are incompatible. We are bound to get stressed. The function of this book is to look at some of the stresses that inevitably arise from parenthood,, to give practical guidance as to how you can lessen their impact, to show you who can help, and how you can help yourself. But -1 might as well admit it straight away - this book's title is more than a little optimistic. There is no way that parenting will ever be completely stress free. But I do believe that stresses really can be diminished to a remarkable extent, so that the pleasures of being a parent totally overwhelm them. And you will believe it too. Read on.
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Tuesday 24 February 2009
The attitude of society
That isn't to say that society doesn't appreciate and understand the intense importance of parenthood. After all, how often have you heard the phrase 'Of course, I blame the parents' when some bad news story about a young person becomes public? During the trial of the British au pair, Louise Woodward, in Boston in 1997, countless articles in the nation's newspapers were devoted to analysis and criticism of the parents of the child that died. Their child had died, and they were criticised Everyone in their heart of hearts knows that the skills involved in being a parent are absolutely vital.
And just how does society show its appreciation of all this vital work on behalf of the next generation? You've guessed. When social scientists in the United Kingdom are grading various professionals because they need to collect statistics on patterns of disease, or educational or social needs, the job of 'housewife/mother' is placed in the same category as 'unskilled'.
There is much more to this than pure symbolism. It genuinely does reveal society's true attitude. When women are asked 'do you work?', how many reply 'no, I am just a mother1? Even today, many professionals such as doctors, and other interviewers often say such things as 'do you have a job, or are you a housewife?' Maybe no insult is intended, but the inevitable implication from such thoughtless remarks comes shining through. Society's prejudice is all too obvious.
Parents, and mothers in particular, are frequently made to feel inferior - an attitude exemplified by the development of the 'super wife and woman' ideal, whereby a really successful woman is expected not only to have a demanding job and be a perfect mother, but also to look glamorous and have all manner of fulfilling hobbies - possibly writing the odd book or two about them in her spare time. Is it any wonder that other women can feel distinctly inadequate?
There is no doubt that the sociological changes in the past two or three generations have given most women an entirely new set of options for their lives. Whereas in the past it was expected that every woman would simply settle for life as a mother and supporter of her husband, society has changed its view of a woman's potential place in the world and this means that the opportunities are very much broader. It is wonderful that the entrants to many professions are now at the very least as likely to be women as men. It is entirely healthy for society that cabinet ministers, doctors, engineers, secretaries, and chief constables should be appointed purely on the basis of merit and ability, rather than on which set of chromosomes they have. However, it is extremely unhealthy when society expects women in these jobs to do them in addition to being parents. The job description of parenthood is quite simply big enough, and it is entirely unreasonable simply to add this to someone's paid employment. There is a limit to what any one person should be expected to do.
I have little doubt that attitudes are changing but we are still an enormously long way from a genuine equality of opportunity. In my experience, when children wake at night it is still far more likely that the mother will get up than that the father will. Over and over again I have heard mothers say things like 'of course I always get up to the baby at night. It isn't fair on my husband to expect him to do it. He's got a job to go to/ If both a father and mother go out to work, it is still unusual for it to be the father who stays off work when the child is ill. There is far more Up service paid to equality than any genuine change of attitudes.
One of the most potent causes of stress in any of us is the failure of reality to live up to one's expectations. There can be no doubt at all that almost all parents have entirely unrealistic expectations of what parenthood is actually like. Even those who manage to achieve all the activities of a 'superwoman' often put themselves under intolerable stresses.
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And just how does society show its appreciation of all this vital work on behalf of the next generation? You've guessed. When social scientists in the United Kingdom are grading various professionals because they need to collect statistics on patterns of disease, or educational or social needs, the job of 'housewife/mother' is placed in the same category as 'unskilled'.
There is much more to this than pure symbolism. It genuinely does reveal society's true attitude. When women are asked 'do you work?', how many reply 'no, I am just a mother1? Even today, many professionals such as doctors, and other interviewers often say such things as 'do you have a job, or are you a housewife?' Maybe no insult is intended, but the inevitable implication from such thoughtless remarks comes shining through. Society's prejudice is all too obvious.
Parents, and mothers in particular, are frequently made to feel inferior - an attitude exemplified by the development of the 'super wife and woman' ideal, whereby a really successful woman is expected not only to have a demanding job and be a perfect mother, but also to look glamorous and have all manner of fulfilling hobbies - possibly writing the odd book or two about them in her spare time. Is it any wonder that other women can feel distinctly inadequate?
There is no doubt that the sociological changes in the past two or three generations have given most women an entirely new set of options for their lives. Whereas in the past it was expected that every woman would simply settle for life as a mother and supporter of her husband, society has changed its view of a woman's potential place in the world and this means that the opportunities are very much broader. It is wonderful that the entrants to many professions are now at the very least as likely to be women as men. It is entirely healthy for society that cabinet ministers, doctors, engineers, secretaries, and chief constables should be appointed purely on the basis of merit and ability, rather than on which set of chromosomes they have. However, it is extremely unhealthy when society expects women in these jobs to do them in addition to being parents. The job description of parenthood is quite simply big enough, and it is entirely unreasonable simply to add this to someone's paid employment. There is a limit to what any one person should be expected to do.
I have little doubt that attitudes are changing but we are still an enormously long way from a genuine equality of opportunity. In my experience, when children wake at night it is still far more likely that the mother will get up than that the father will. Over and over again I have heard mothers say things like 'of course I always get up to the baby at night. It isn't fair on my husband to expect him to do it. He's got a job to go to/ If both a father and mother go out to work, it is still unusual for it to be the father who stays off work when the child is ill. There is far more Up service paid to equality than any genuine change of attitudes.
One of the most potent causes of stress in any of us is the failure of reality to live up to one's expectations. There can be no doubt at all that almost all parents have entirely unrealistic expectations of what parenthood is actually like. Even those who manage to achieve all the activities of a 'superwoman' often put themselves under intolerable stresses.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
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