Trust Them
Children know what they need and they will make their needs clear. We have to trust them. If they need exercise, they will badger us to go out. If they need food they will ask until they get some. If they are tired they will let us know. If we ignore their needs, we get badly behaved children. We must also trust them in terms of their own limits. They know they don't want to go down the big slide yet; they don't want to be pushed into the pool even though they've got armbands and a rubber ring on. Respect their limits and trust they know what's best for them. If we don't, we are pushing them for our own requirements not theirs.
It Is Not Personal
It is the job of a child to push whenever they can. This is how they learn - through experimentation. There is no other way to learn what is acceptable and what isn't. They have to accidentally spill the milk to discover that it is better to keep the cup away from the edge of the table. Hdweyer, when we are depressed, we can see the spilt milk as a personal threat and respond accordingly. As teenagers, they may express their embarrassment at being seen with us and we could take this as a personal affront, especially if we are also an embarrassment to ourselves.
But it is not personal. Whoever their parents turned out to be, they would go through the same motions. It is their way of pushing the limits and it is our job to teach them how far they can go. We must be aware: how we approach our children is the way we approach ourselves.
Good Discipline
Children like to be disciplined. They like to know where the edge is. It makes them feel safe because they can stretch to that point. They can see the boundary of the field and they are not scared of running to the edge and looking out. Children who do not receive good discipline are frightened. They don't understand how far they can go and they become anxious that they will get punished for something when they didn't know the limit. This creates fear and a lack of confidence. The limits need to be spelled out, written down, discussed and shown over and over again until they are bored of hearing it. This will create a haven of fairness, trust, safety and reliability that will allow them to grow into confident children. Many towns now have parenting groups, which can be very helpful.
CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS
This is a list of basic human needs that I believe every child has aright to:
• To be fed (with nourishing food) and watered
• To be safe, warm, sheltered and secure
• To be touched, held and caressed
• To be loved unconditionally
• To be respected as a unique human being, regardless of behaviour
• To make mistakes
• To ask for what they need
• To say they don't understand
• To change their minds
• To decline responsibility for another's problems
• To express their feelings
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Saturday 6 December 2008
How to Deal with Children when Depressed
This article is a hidden topic. It's the one people don't discuss because they don't have to - it all takes place behind closed doors. Abusive parenting can happen when we get depressed. The madness of depression is that it happens even though we would give everything for it not to happen. In the depths of the suffering, we lose some self-control and are likely to affect our children in ways we regret. Untreated, depression will drive us towards treating our children in the same way we were treated. Abuse doesn't just mean physical or mental violation; it also means neglecting, taking no interest, not disciplining, not listening, not loving or simply not being present. Not only do you need to fulfill your rights in adulthood, you also need to fulfill your children's rights in childhood.
15 Minutes per Day
Children need full-time care but, as far as attention goes, they need at least 15 minutes of undivided attention a day. This 15 minutes needs to be spent with the adult's focus on the child and on nothing else. It needs to be spent doing something the child wants to do. During this time, the child needs to feel respected and cared for and the adult needs to suspend all negative feelings about the child. The child needs to feel that whatever she says or does, the love shown to her is unconditional and unquestioned. She needs to be the focal point of the adult's enjoyment for that time. Something as simple as doing a jigsaw with a toddler or sharing a cup of tea with a teenager will get the conditions right to carry out this commitment. It doesn't have to be much. Even though this seems like an obvious thing to do, when we add up the time we spend with our children, many of us are not spending 15 minutes of unadulterated time per day with our children, depressed or not. This is our gift to them.
If you cannot spend that time With your child, they are being neglected. Find someone else to do it. This could be a family friend, neighbour, childcare specialist or your partner. Explain what you want the adult to do. The adult does not need to love the child but can demonstrate a clear respect for the child as a unique human being in their own right. Get the conditions right for the carer and allow the adult and your child to share the time together. You can be there and watch and know that your child is getting what they need.
Once your child begins to receive that 15 minutes a day, they will become more 'full up'. As their worth increases as a result of receiving the undivided attention, they will be less draining on you. In turn, you will find looking after them easier.
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15 Minutes per Day
Children need full-time care but, as far as attention goes, they need at least 15 minutes of undivided attention a day. This 15 minutes needs to be spent with the adult's focus on the child and on nothing else. It needs to be spent doing something the child wants to do. During this time, the child needs to feel respected and cared for and the adult needs to suspend all negative feelings about the child. The child needs to feel that whatever she says or does, the love shown to her is unconditional and unquestioned. She needs to be the focal point of the adult's enjoyment for that time. Something as simple as doing a jigsaw with a toddler or sharing a cup of tea with a teenager will get the conditions right to carry out this commitment. It doesn't have to be much. Even though this seems like an obvious thing to do, when we add up the time we spend with our children, many of us are not spending 15 minutes of unadulterated time per day with our children, depressed or not. This is our gift to them.
If you cannot spend that time With your child, they are being neglected. Find someone else to do it. This could be a family friend, neighbour, childcare specialist or your partner. Explain what you want the adult to do. The adult does not need to love the child but can demonstrate a clear respect for the child as a unique human being in their own right. Get the conditions right for the carer and allow the adult and your child to share the time together. You can be there and watch and know that your child is getting what they need.
Once your child begins to receive that 15 minutes a day, they will become more 'full up'. As their worth increases as a result of receiving the undivided attention, they will be less draining on you. In turn, you will find looking after them easier.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
Friday 5 December 2008
Mental Health And Mental Disorders
Theories vary about the causes of mental disorders. Mental disor¬ders may occur after traumatic events, alongside other psychological difficulties, or for no apparent reason. Close relatives of people with mental disorders are sometimes more likely to develop the same dis¬order than people in other families. This phenomenon has led some researchers to suggest a genetic cause for mental disorders. Genetic is a term that refers to characteristics that are inherited, such as hair or eye color. Most mental disorders have a biological component. There are chemicals in the brain that can cause mental disorders when the chemical levels are higher or lower than normal, or if the chemicals are not properly balanced. However, for many disorders, it is not clear whether the chemical imbalance is a cause or a symptom of the disorder.
To help psychologists diagnose mental disorders, each has been named, categorized, and described. These definitions appear in a ref¬erence manual, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Ed. (DSM-IV), published in 2001 by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-IV is the set of guidelines used by mental health professionals to diagnose all mental disorders. This book discusses two mental disorders that are defined in the DSM-IV: depression and anxiety disorders.
Sometimes the term depression is used to refer to a normal human emotion, feeling sad or blue. After failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you may tell people you're depressed. But depression is actually a long-lasting mental disorder involving deep levels of hopelessness and despair. This level of depression usually requires professional treatment.
Bipolar disorder, or manic-depressive illness, is a mental disorder that includes depression. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) defines bipolar disorder as a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, and ability to function. Bipolar dis¬order is a kind of depression that includes periods of mania, times of extreme excitement or irritability. Unlike the normal ups and downs that everyone experiences, the symptoms of bipolar disorder and depression are severe.
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To help psychologists diagnose mental disorders, each has been named, categorized, and described. These definitions appear in a ref¬erence manual, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Ed. (DSM-IV), published in 2001 by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-IV is the set of guidelines used by mental health professionals to diagnose all mental disorders. This book discusses two mental disorders that are defined in the DSM-IV: depression and anxiety disorders.
Sometimes the term depression is used to refer to a normal human emotion, feeling sad or blue. After failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you may tell people you're depressed. But depression is actually a long-lasting mental disorder involving deep levels of hopelessness and despair. This level of depression usually requires professional treatment.
Bipolar disorder, or manic-depressive illness, is a mental disorder that includes depression. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) defines bipolar disorder as a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, and ability to function. Bipolar dis¬order is a kind of depression that includes periods of mania, times of extreme excitement or irritability. Unlike the normal ups and downs that everyone experiences, the symptoms of bipolar disorder and depression are severe.
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Thursday 4 December 2008
Recover Denial Versus Medication
Many people deny they are depressed. It's not that they deliberately lie to anyone; it's that they have to lie to themselves to keep going. Denial may seem from the outside like an ignorant state in which to live, but it is a very practical way of keeping a problem at bay. Denial is a form of survival. People who are denying their own depression need to be left alone until they are ready to come out of hiding on their own terms.
Many addictions are created to assist the individual to deny his/her problems. Although this may seem self-destructive, it has to be recognised that the addiction is, conversely, a form of survival. It is about surviving the depression by burying the painful feelings that go with being chronically depressed. For many people, the pain of addiction is not as great as the pain of depression.
RECOVERY VERSUS MEDICATION
The two options open to someone who is depressed are to face the depression head on and move into recovery or to 'medicate' the feelings to avoid the anguish that accompanies depression. Either way is gruelling. We either move forward or we move backward. We do not stay static. For the purpose of this article, we use the term 'medication' to describe anything that is used to avoid feelings. Medicating feelings can include excesses of the following: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, shopping, gambling, working, sex, eating, not eating, exercising, helping others, being perfect, judging others.
Facing the depression with a view to conquering it can be the hardest option. Medicating feelings is a way of not allowing ourselves to become overwhelmed with grief and pain. But we can face serious problems when the behaviour that serves to medicate depression becomes troublesome in its own right. If the drugs used to medicate depression force us to lose our job, or damage our family, relationships, friends etc., then we have another problem to address. It is at this point that either our denial lifts or we medicate further. I repeat: there is no static point ~ it moves forward or it moves backward.
We stop denying our problems when we feel strong enough to start dealing with them. When the denial lifts it can be very painful, but the human mind will not lift its own denial if it is not strong enough to cope with what it is trying to deny. The deeper the depression, the stronger the denial.
One thing we do not need is self-reproach for not having faced up to our problems sooner. The quicker we recognise that our denial has done us a great service, the better we will feel about moving forward. There is no point in pushing us when we are in denial. Denial is all-powerful and if there is a power-struggle taking place between our denial and someone who wants us to change, our denial will win. It is the 'mother of all saviours' and will prevent us from cracking up for as long as we need it.
For the purpose of this article, I am going to assume that you are ready to start on that journey and face some of your problems. This often happens when all else has been tried and has failed. There is no need to address the denial, as this will have begun to lift. Remember: denying your depression and the pain that goes with it will lift and return. Recovery from depression is like peeling layers of an onion. We peel one layer, then, when we are ready, we will go on to the next. The denial will help us pace ourselves until we are ready to deal with the next layer.
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Many addictions are created to assist the individual to deny his/her problems. Although this may seem self-destructive, it has to be recognised that the addiction is, conversely, a form of survival. It is about surviving the depression by burying the painful feelings that go with being chronically depressed. For many people, the pain of addiction is not as great as the pain of depression.
RECOVERY VERSUS MEDICATION
The two options open to someone who is depressed are to face the depression head on and move into recovery or to 'medicate' the feelings to avoid the anguish that accompanies depression. Either way is gruelling. We either move forward or we move backward. We do not stay static. For the purpose of this article, we use the term 'medication' to describe anything that is used to avoid feelings. Medicating feelings can include excesses of the following: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, shopping, gambling, working, sex, eating, not eating, exercising, helping others, being perfect, judging others.
Facing the depression with a view to conquering it can be the hardest option. Medicating feelings is a way of not allowing ourselves to become overwhelmed with grief and pain. But we can face serious problems when the behaviour that serves to medicate depression becomes troublesome in its own right. If the drugs used to medicate depression force us to lose our job, or damage our family, relationships, friends etc., then we have another problem to address. It is at this point that either our denial lifts or we medicate further. I repeat: there is no static point ~ it moves forward or it moves backward.
We stop denying our problems when we feel strong enough to start dealing with them. When the denial lifts it can be very painful, but the human mind will not lift its own denial if it is not strong enough to cope with what it is trying to deny. The deeper the depression, the stronger the denial.
One thing we do not need is self-reproach for not having faced up to our problems sooner. The quicker we recognise that our denial has done us a great service, the better we will feel about moving forward. There is no point in pushing us when we are in denial. Denial is all-powerful and if there is a power-struggle taking place between our denial and someone who wants us to change, our denial will win. It is the 'mother of all saviours' and will prevent us from cracking up for as long as we need it.
Likely Page Break
When we medicate our emotions, we medicate everything. We cannot, unfortunately, just medicate our negative feelings and leave ourselves with a supply of good feelings. In medicating our depression we also medicate the ability to feel happy, joyful, excited and alive. It's all or nothing. I firmly believe that medicating anything medicates everything. This is where our denial will help. It will assist us to slow down the medication of our feelings, as and when we are ready. If someone badgers us to stop smoking, we can explain the options: 'I'll smoke thirty cigarettes a day or I'll drink a bottle of vodka a day and smoke twenty cigarettes a day. You choose!' This is the reality of confronting depression. We cannot put everything down in one go. It is a journey and, when we feel better about ourselves, we will harm ourselves less.For the purpose of this article, I am going to assume that you are ready to start on that journey and face some of your problems. This often happens when all else has been tried and has failed. There is no need to address the denial, as this will have begun to lift. Remember: denying your depression and the pain that goes with it will lift and return. Recovery from depression is like peeling layers of an onion. We peel one layer, then, when we are ready, we will go on to the next. The denial will help us pace ourselves until we are ready to deal with the next layer.
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How Can Therapy Help for the Emergency Situation of Chronic Depression
One-to-one therapy is the way to receive objective information about ourselves and our lives. It gives us an idea of what is normal and how far off normal we may be. Some people say the idea that there is a 'normal' in the first place leaves us prone to judging ourselves. However, there is a normal pattern of development that all humans go through. If we are depressed, then this pattern of development has been arrested. With therapy, we can go back to when we stopped growing, address any trauma, retrain ourselves and then heal. If we have a good therapist, we won't even realize we are going through this process - it just happens.
So how do we find a good therapist? It can be difficult, because the industry is not regulated and any of us could set up as a therapist tomorrow. Even if it were regulated, there is no guarantee we wouldn't fall in with a qualified person who also happened to be inept or just not right for us.
Therapy is different from analysis and psychoanalytical psychotherapy, whose practitioners are strictly monitored by their regulatory bodies. Therapy is a goal-orientated process that usually ceases after a set period. Analysis can last a lifetime, is more general, and more costly. Therapy can provide the treatment required for the emergency situation of chronic depression, whereas someone seeking analysis is likely to be approaching the concept of their 'self' from a more existential perspective.
The secret is to find help that is beneficial to us and does not hinder our recovery. I found the perfect therapist after asking for recommendations from counseling authorities, universities who held counselling courses, pastoral centres etc. When one name kept coming up, I took the chance and went to see her. She was the perfect 'leg up' to help me out of my depression.
There are three ways to approach your prospective therapist. First, go in with the idea that you are interviewing them. Secondly, take a tape in on the first session so you can listen to it later and assess the conversation objectively. If the therapist doesn't like it, then that's a warning signal. Thirdly, take in someone you trust to sit in on the assessment meeting and get them to give you their view later on. These tactics will sift out the weak therapists and give you a better chance of finding someone who can really get to grips with your issues and take you through some incredible changes. And it can take just a few sessions to really get an overview of where you are going with the therapist. The whole process in itself can leave you feeing better because it is the beginning of change.
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So how do we find a good therapist? It can be difficult, because the industry is not regulated and any of us could set up as a therapist tomorrow. Even if it were regulated, there is no guarantee we wouldn't fall in with a qualified person who also happened to be inept or just not right for us.
Therapy is different from analysis and psychoanalytical psychotherapy, whose practitioners are strictly monitored by their regulatory bodies. Therapy is a goal-orientated process that usually ceases after a set period. Analysis can last a lifetime, is more general, and more costly. Therapy can provide the treatment required for the emergency situation of chronic depression, whereas someone seeking analysis is likely to be approaching the concept of their 'self' from a more existential perspective.
The secret is to find help that is beneficial to us and does not hinder our recovery. I found the perfect therapist after asking for recommendations from counseling authorities, universities who held counselling courses, pastoral centres etc. When one name kept coming up, I took the chance and went to see her. She was the perfect 'leg up' to help me out of my depression.
There are three ways to approach your prospective therapist. First, go in with the idea that you are interviewing them. Secondly, take a tape in on the first session so you can listen to it later and assess the conversation objectively. If the therapist doesn't like it, then that's a warning signal. Thirdly, take in someone you trust to sit in on the assessment meeting and get them to give you their view later on. These tactics will sift out the weak therapists and give you a better chance of finding someone who can really get to grips with your issues and take you through some incredible changes. And it can take just a few sessions to really get an overview of where you are going with the therapist. The whole process in itself can leave you feeing better because it is the beginning of change.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
What Do We Want the Therapist to Do for Our Depression?
There are several jobs that we require the therapist to undertake in order to get our money's worth.
We need the therapist to listen.
Many of us have never had the experience of 'being heard.' By this we mean having someone listen carefully to our exact words and assimilate the essence of what we are saying, in order that they can reflect it back to us -so that we can hear our problem coming out of someone else's mouth. This allows us to listen to the problem in a way that lets us get a firmer grasp on our concerns. It also gives us an opportunity to put them right when they don't get it spot on.
Try this out with a friend in order to get an understanding of the power of true reflection. Ask someone to listen to you speak. Tell them what's on your mind in under two minutes, then ask them to repeat what you have said, and listen to your problems being retold. You will be amazed how this technique takes the heat out of a problem that had otherwise seemed insurmountable.
We need the therapist to offer an objectivity that we can't find ourselves.
When swamped with a crisis or trauma it is almost impossible to take an overview of ourselves, as we often feel out of control and buried under a mass of anxiety and fear. We need to get an indication of our situation without being influenced by our own neurosis. We often need practical assistance in how we behave. An objective view can help us achieve this. We can make incorrect decisions about how we respond to people and situations when we are traumatised. A good therapist will help us find the right course of action that will leave us intact and will be for our own good. We must ask them to be objective on our behalf in order that we can move forward through the dilemma, outlining the options they can see and helping us weigh them up to a positive outcome.
We need a therapist to comfort us when we feel pain.
Many of our problems stem from us running from painful feelings. By trusting a therapist we are allowing another human being to help us face those feelings. When we do arrive at the point where we can feel our feelings, we need support and encouragement to express them, because so many of us are frightened of releasing pain for fear that 'if we start, we will never stop'. While feeling pain or grief, we need to know we are not odd; we need to know we are going through a normal procedure of releasing our pain in order to move on; we need to know we are not the only person to whom this is happening. We do not require patronising while we move along this path, but we do require patience and understanding. The words that will soothe us are those of hope, that no matter what has happened to us we have the capability to survive and can actually create a great life in spite of our losses and our pain.
We need a therapist to explain to us what is 'normal.'
We need to know that there is a pattern of development that we are programmed to go through, that allows us to grow into our full potential. If this development is hindered then we become unhappy. A good therapist can help us by pointing out how far off that course we are, and can suggest ways we need to change our thinking and behaviour in order that we can retrace our steps and find our way out of the darkness.
For example, if we have suffered frustration in our career, a therapist would help us to explore what we need in order to feel fulfilled from our work, taking into account our individual circumstances. Likewise, if we suffered neglect as a child, we can learn what is 'normal' in terms of what a child needs, and find ways of catching up with ourselves by getting attention in appropriate ways to make up for what we've lost. If we do this, we will no longer seek it from others in ways that may be detrimental to us as adults
Finally, we need a therapist who understands that we must grieve for a given amount of time and then stop.
It's easy to think that we are never going to recover from depression and the grief behind it. In continuing with our grief for longer than is necessary, we re-traumatise ourselves. Some therapists expect a person to be with them for years -something that will serve them well as they have a continuous income stream. No one, unless they are mentally ill, should need to be with a therapist for more than two years. Some people stay with their therapist for much longer if the therapist allows it, and this can become another dependence. A good therapist will know when we are ready to move on from our grief, and indeed may shove us out of the nest if it appears we are settling down for the long haul.
If you are doubtful as to whether or not your therapist can offer these basic services, consider finding someone else.
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We need the therapist to listen.
Many of us have never had the experience of 'being heard.' By this we mean having someone listen carefully to our exact words and assimilate the essence of what we are saying, in order that they can reflect it back to us -so that we can hear our problem coming out of someone else's mouth. This allows us to listen to the problem in a way that lets us get a firmer grasp on our concerns. It also gives us an opportunity to put them right when they don't get it spot on.
Try this out with a friend in order to get an understanding of the power of true reflection. Ask someone to listen to you speak. Tell them what's on your mind in under two minutes, then ask them to repeat what you have said, and listen to your problems being retold. You will be amazed how this technique takes the heat out of a problem that had otherwise seemed insurmountable.
We need the therapist to offer an objectivity that we can't find ourselves.
When swamped with a crisis or trauma it is almost impossible to take an overview of ourselves, as we often feel out of control and buried under a mass of anxiety and fear. We need to get an indication of our situation without being influenced by our own neurosis. We often need practical assistance in how we behave. An objective view can help us achieve this. We can make incorrect decisions about how we respond to people and situations when we are traumatised. A good therapist will help us find the right course of action that will leave us intact and will be for our own good. We must ask them to be objective on our behalf in order that we can move forward through the dilemma, outlining the options they can see and helping us weigh them up to a positive outcome.
We need a therapist to comfort us when we feel pain.
Many of our problems stem from us running from painful feelings. By trusting a therapist we are allowing another human being to help us face those feelings. When we do arrive at the point where we can feel our feelings, we need support and encouragement to express them, because so many of us are frightened of releasing pain for fear that 'if we start, we will never stop'. While feeling pain or grief, we need to know we are not odd; we need to know we are going through a normal procedure of releasing our pain in order to move on; we need to know we are not the only person to whom this is happening. We do not require patronising while we move along this path, but we do require patience and understanding. The words that will soothe us are those of hope, that no matter what has happened to us we have the capability to survive and can actually create a great life in spite of our losses and our pain.
Likely Page Break
Why is this? This is because when we grieve for our loss, we grieve for everything we have lost, not just our current loss. The most important loss we can grieve is the loss of our dream. No matter what or whom we have lost, it is the dream of what could have been that hurts the most. Once we can allow the pain to surface, like the bursting of a dam our grief will also wash away so many smaller losses that have been tucked away and ignored. Well-managed grief can wash away our losses from years ago, allowing a backlog of pain to be released and for change to take place. This enables us to feel freer than we have ever felt. People often discuss the powerful spiritual experiences they have had after a time of mourning -a closeness with a God, a sense of peace, a contentment they have never had before, a fulfilment in the simple things in life. These experiences have filled many books and are often lost on the rest of us who are still running from the backlog of our life losses. It is vital to find a therapist who can understand the profundity of this journey and who can assist you in yours.We need a therapist to explain to us what is 'normal.'
We need to know that there is a pattern of development that we are programmed to go through, that allows us to grow into our full potential. If this development is hindered then we become unhappy. A good therapist can help us by pointing out how far off that course we are, and can suggest ways we need to change our thinking and behaviour in order that we can retrace our steps and find our way out of the darkness.
For example, if we have suffered frustration in our career, a therapist would help us to explore what we need in order to feel fulfilled from our work, taking into account our individual circumstances. Likewise, if we suffered neglect as a child, we can learn what is 'normal' in terms of what a child needs, and find ways of catching up with ourselves by getting attention in appropriate ways to make up for what we've lost. If we do this, we will no longer seek it from others in ways that may be detrimental to us as adults
Finally, we need a therapist who understands that we must grieve for a given amount of time and then stop.
It's easy to think that we are never going to recover from depression and the grief behind it. In continuing with our grief for longer than is necessary, we re-traumatise ourselves. Some therapists expect a person to be with them for years -something that will serve them well as they have a continuous income stream. No one, unless they are mentally ill, should need to be with a therapist for more than two years. Some people stay with their therapist for much longer if the therapist allows it, and this can become another dependence. A good therapist will know when we are ready to move on from our grief, and indeed may shove us out of the nest if it appears we are settling down for the long haul.
If you are doubtful as to whether or not your therapist can offer these basic services, consider finding someone else.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
How Can Unfacilitated Groups Help You to Overcome Depression
Unfacilitated groups are self-help groups that run without a facilitator. This means that they are a bit of a free-for-all, but there are some really good sources of help and support amongst them.
12-Step Groups
The most common of the unfacilitated groups are the 12-Step groups. The 12-Step groups were started by Bill W in the 1950s to help alcoholics stop drinking. All other 12-Step groups are loosely based on the original Alcoholics Anonymous format.
12-Step groups are run by volunteers, not professionals. People sit in a room, hear some opening readings, and listen to someone sharing their experience. Then the meeting is opened to allow others to share what is on their minds. The 12 steps have been adapted to embrace other forms of compulsive behavior with a view to helping all kinds of people through the recovery programme. The meetings are anonymous and use the first name only.
THE ADVANTAGES OF 12-STEP MEETINGS ARE:
• They are readily available, with a range of meetings in most towns
• They cover a broad range of subjects
• They are anonymous and use first names only, which ensures a feeling of safety through anonymity
• There's a nonchalance and informality about the problems they are covering and this can be helpful, as it may engender the feeling that we are not alone in our struggle
• For many, there's a feeling of' coming home' when they hear others talking about how they feel
• The 'secrets' are out in the open and others talk about their sex addiction or cocaine usage as if it's ordinary; this helps dispel the shame
• They are not run by professionals but by people like us and so there's a feeling of belonging
They are all volunteers so there is no financial motive for anyone
• People can be very supportive and will offer assistance to help others attend meetings
• They are based on donations only and are affordable to anyone
THE LIMITATIONS OF 12-STEP MEETINGS ARE:
• They are open-access groups (many US people aren't comfortable with talking openly about their problems!)
° There are no facilitators and you have to rely on the structure to create the right environment
• A lot of robust opinions can be aired, with people wanting to tell you what to do, where to go and what to say - and the loudest voices often dominate
The anonymity is questionable in some groups; I know of a meeting that quadrupled in size in one week because word got around that a celebrity had attended
However you feel about groups, 12-Step meetings can be a fantastic starting point for depression. Identify how you medicate your depression, or what you feel is the main cause of your depression, and go to the appropriate 12-Step meeting. There will be one you will fit into. It is said that when you have attended six meetings in a row, the denial will start to lift and you can better experience your core difficulties.
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12-Step Groups
The most common of the unfacilitated groups are the 12-Step groups. The 12-Step groups were started by Bill W in the 1950s to help alcoholics stop drinking. All other 12-Step groups are loosely based on the original Alcoholics Anonymous format.
12-Step groups are run by volunteers, not professionals. People sit in a room, hear some opening readings, and listen to someone sharing their experience. Then the meeting is opened to allow others to share what is on their minds. The 12 steps have been adapted to embrace other forms of compulsive behavior with a view to helping all kinds of people through the recovery programme. The meetings are anonymous and use the first name only.
THE ADVANTAGES OF 12-STEP MEETINGS ARE:
• They are readily available, with a range of meetings in most towns
• They cover a broad range of subjects
• They are anonymous and use first names only, which ensures a feeling of safety through anonymity
• There's a nonchalance and informality about the problems they are covering and this can be helpful, as it may engender the feeling that we are not alone in our struggle
• For many, there's a feeling of' coming home' when they hear others talking about how they feel
• The 'secrets' are out in the open and others talk about their sex addiction or cocaine usage as if it's ordinary; this helps dispel the shame
• They are not run by professionals but by people like us and so there's a feeling of belonging
They are all volunteers so there is no financial motive for anyone
• People can be very supportive and will offer assistance to help others attend meetings
• They are based on donations only and are affordable to anyone
THE LIMITATIONS OF 12-STEP MEETINGS ARE:
• They are open-access groups (many US people aren't comfortable with talking openly about their problems!)
° There are no facilitators and you have to rely on the structure to create the right environment
• A lot of robust opinions can be aired, with people wanting to tell you what to do, where to go and what to say - and the loudest voices often dominate
The anonymity is questionable in some groups; I know of a meeting that quadrupled in size in one week because word got around that a celebrity had attended
However you feel about groups, 12-Step meetings can be a fantastic starting point for depression. Identify how you medicate your depression, or what you feel is the main cause of your depression, and go to the appropriate 12-Step meeting. There will be one you will fit into. It is said that when you have attended six meetings in a row, the denial will start to lift and you can better experience your core difficulties.
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How Can Facilitated Groups Help You to Beat Depression
What are facilitated groups?
These are groups that are run by a professional facilitator. There are thousands of them to be found in the US. They range from groups for sexual abuse survivors, men's therapy groups, groups for recovering addicts, parenting groups, and groups that focus on recovery from various addictions such as workaholism, overspending, sexual addiction etc. Groups can be found in every area of the community. Doctors' surgeries offer groups run by nurses for giving up smoking; Christian centres offer groups for assisting a spiritual life-foundation; therapists offer groups for women who struggle in relationships. The list is a long one.
Like the search for a therapist, investigation and recommendation come high on the list when looking for a facilitated group. Having a therapist registered with an 'esteemed' organization does not guarantee good service. Ask around, interview the facilitator before going into the group, don't pay for more than one session at a time and leave if you feel unsafe. Be aware, though, that we can feel unsafe in any group - we have to try and discern what is our own historic fear and what is bullying in the room.
If you find a group with a proficient facilitator and you feel safe enough to come out of your shell and expose some hidden parts, the compensation will be enormous. This method of self-exploration is the fastest route to becoming whole, as it brings to light parts of you that you are hiding from others. This is because you are taking the risk of allowing others to comment on a part of you that you assume is shameful.
The exciting part is that others don't see it the way you do and they will give you a positive response. If they come back with shameful criticism, it is because they have struggles within themselves and it is then the facilitator's job to address that. Having opened up to this new type of dialogue, you will find it easier to risk something which you feel is even worse and, again, receive help and support on how to deal with that part of yourself in a positive sense. You will experience a sense of liberation as it dawns on you that there is no need to hide these parts of yourself from others. You will feel freer as you get the nod from the group that actually, you're OK!
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These are groups that are run by a professional facilitator. There are thousands of them to be found in the US. They range from groups for sexual abuse survivors, men's therapy groups, groups for recovering addicts, parenting groups, and groups that focus on recovery from various addictions such as workaholism, overspending, sexual addiction etc. Groups can be found in every area of the community. Doctors' surgeries offer groups run by nurses for giving up smoking; Christian centres offer groups for assisting a spiritual life-foundation; therapists offer groups for women who struggle in relationships. The list is a long one.
Like the search for a therapist, investigation and recommendation come high on the list when looking for a facilitated group. Having a therapist registered with an 'esteemed' organization does not guarantee good service. Ask around, interview the facilitator before going into the group, don't pay for more than one session at a time and leave if you feel unsafe. Be aware, though, that we can feel unsafe in any group - we have to try and discern what is our own historic fear and what is bullying in the room.
If you find a group with a proficient facilitator and you feel safe enough to come out of your shell and expose some hidden parts, the compensation will be enormous. This method of self-exploration is the fastest route to becoming whole, as it brings to light parts of you that you are hiding from others. This is because you are taking the risk of allowing others to comment on a part of you that you assume is shameful.
The exciting part is that others don't see it the way you do and they will give you a positive response. If they come back with shameful criticism, it is because they have struggles within themselves and it is then the facilitator's job to address that. Having opened up to this new type of dialogue, you will find it easier to risk something which you feel is even worse and, again, receive help and support on how to deal with that part of yourself in a positive sense. You will experience a sense of liberation as it dawns on you that there is no need to hide these parts of yourself from others. You will feel freer as you get the nod from the group that actually, you're OK!
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How to Treat Depression by Confronting the Authority in Your Life
When we are depressed we feel we have no power. We feel no strength within ourselves and think it is almost impossible to find a new way of dealing with people that will help us in beating depression. One of the main reasons for this is that we have not confronted the authority in our life.
This means that we are allowing someone else to dictate our behavior, thoughts or feelings. It means that someone is doing or saying something and we are obeying them. We are bending to their rules although we don't want to. We are compromising ourselves and our integrity, doing things and behaving in a way that is not right for us.
This 'authority' may be someone who is in your life right now, such as a spouse, friend, a work colleague, teacher or neighbour. Conversely, it may be someone from your past to whom you are still attached, such as a parent or sibling. You have become conditioned to believing that another person knows what is right for you. You may continue to plaj games when you go back to your parents' house and smile as if everything is OK, even though it's not. This can lead you to thinking there's something wrong with you. You may have to press that frustration down so it won't escape and overwhelm you.
If you are feeling very depressed, put some thought into who it is that you are obeying right now. Are you listening to someone who gives you information about yourself that you believe? Is someone telling you that you can't go for your dreams? Are you telling yourself that you have no rights as a parent and therefore cannot have any personal life? Is someone telling you that because they give you money, gifts or favours that you have no right to confront them? Is someone beating you up and you believe it when they tell you that you deserve it?These and many other questions are worth asking yourself because there is an answer here.
HOW TO CONFRONT THE EXTERNAL AUTHORITY
Now that you have become aware that you are following orders, how do you confront your own misplaced obedience?
You could simply talk to a friend and receive valuable responses that might help you recognise your situation in a way that you can't see it now. However, if you feel very anxious about discussing your situation, you may need assistance from a trained professional who can help you see that your thinking is contaminated. Some reworking of the way you see your situation will help you to get a more level view and decrease your anxiety. This will then raise your confidence about dealing with the authority.
However, this doesn't have to be done face to face. Confronting an authority can be acted out in the safety of a therapist's room by allowing yourself the opportunity of saying to the therapist what you would really like to say to the authority. The very act of expressing your fury or sadness out loud will open you up to dealing with your depression and you will find yourself encountering new experiences that will add to your personal strength. The action you take with the authority as a result of talking it through may be simply to respond in a new way. One thing to remember - unless you break the law, there is no authority that can dictate to you. If you believe otherwise, you are misguided.
When we talk about confronting the authority, we are not talking about a screaming match in which we hurl abuse in between trying to make a point. No, we are talking about approaching it in a way that we would expect a favourite teacher or someone whom we admire to approach it. Imagine them making your point to another on your behalf. Think what they would say and write the words down as they would speak. How would they sit or stand? What would their face look like? What would their gestures indicate? Go through the conversation you imagine you will have and mimic such a person. Practise the conversation with someone who can listen and ask the question, 'Is this unreasonable? You will discover that 99% of the time, what you are saying is reasonable and measured.
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This means that we are allowing someone else to dictate our behavior, thoughts or feelings. It means that someone is doing or saying something and we are obeying them. We are bending to their rules although we don't want to. We are compromising ourselves and our integrity, doing things and behaving in a way that is not right for us.
This 'authority' may be someone who is in your life right now, such as a spouse, friend, a work colleague, teacher or neighbour. Conversely, it may be someone from your past to whom you are still attached, such as a parent or sibling. You have become conditioned to believing that another person knows what is right for you. You may continue to plaj games when you go back to your parents' house and smile as if everything is OK, even though it's not. This can lead you to thinking there's something wrong with you. You may have to press that frustration down so it won't escape and overwhelm you.
If you are feeling very depressed, put some thought into who it is that you are obeying right now. Are you listening to someone who gives you information about yourself that you believe? Is someone telling you that you can't go for your dreams? Are you telling yourself that you have no rights as a parent and therefore cannot have any personal life? Is someone telling you that because they give you money, gifts or favours that you have no right to confront them? Is someone beating you up and you believe it when they tell you that you deserve it?These and many other questions are worth asking yourself because there is an answer here.
HOW TO CONFRONT THE EXTERNAL AUTHORITY
Now that you have become aware that you are following orders, how do you confront your own misplaced obedience?
You could simply talk to a friend and receive valuable responses that might help you recognise your situation in a way that you can't see it now. However, if you feel very anxious about discussing your situation, you may need assistance from a trained professional who can help you see that your thinking is contaminated. Some reworking of the way you see your situation will help you to get a more level view and decrease your anxiety. This will then raise your confidence about dealing with the authority.
However, this doesn't have to be done face to face. Confronting an authority can be acted out in the safety of a therapist's room by allowing yourself the opportunity of saying to the therapist what you would really like to say to the authority. The very act of expressing your fury or sadness out loud will open you up to dealing with your depression and you will find yourself encountering new experiences that will add to your personal strength. The action you take with the authority as a result of talking it through may be simply to respond in a new way. One thing to remember - unless you break the law, there is no authority that can dictate to you. If you believe otherwise, you are misguided.
Likely Page Break
Once you have a clear idea of what you need to do or say to confront the authority, you could take action face-to-face, on the telephone or by writing; you could do it directly, through a legal advisor or with a mediator. Any route may be scary but it's the exciting scariness that comes before change and you can use these opportunities to your full advantage. Be aware that if you are depressed you may see tackling an authority as a backward step but it is not; it is a real catalyst for change and the first time you do it is always the hardest. If you stretch yourself you will give back to yourself the greatest gift of all -your personal power.When we talk about confronting the authority, we are not talking about a screaming match in which we hurl abuse in between trying to make a point. No, we are talking about approaching it in a way that we would expect a favourite teacher or someone whom we admire to approach it. Imagine them making your point to another on your behalf. Think what they would say and write the words down as they would speak. How would they sit or stand? What would their face look like? What would their gestures indicate? Go through the conversation you imagine you will have and mimic such a person. Practise the conversation with someone who can listen and ask the question, 'Is this unreasonable? You will discover that 99% of the time, what you are saying is reasonable and measured.
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How to Confront the Internal Authority and Beat Depression
The internal authority consists of the polluted messages that you bombard yourself with. These messages are a hangover from earlier days and are no longer valid. They contain incorrect information and need to be challenged and updated. The only reason they have such a hold on you is because it has become a perpetual habit to listen to them. All you have to do to get rid of them is to replace them with a new message. To break a lifelong habit, you simply need to be firm with yourself about this.
This is how to tackle the internal authority. Listen carefully to the 'polluted' message - you will know what it is because when you hear it you will feel ashamed. Catch it and study it. Think back to when you first heard it. Who said it to you?Think hard and you will find the answer. You will realise that you are obeying it even though it comes from someone for whom you may have no respect or love. If they were obeying you after many years,
wouldn't you think it was a little strange?You are responsible for taking the correct course of action to remedy these old messages. No one is making you do what you don't want to do.
Next, write down the message on a piece of paper. Then put a line through it and write the antidote next to it. Stick it on the wall where you will see it all the time. If this is not possible because others live with you, then draw a picture or write it in code. As you read it, the new message will filter into your consciousness and you will find yourself adapting to it. All you are doing is changing a thinking habit - albeit a very ingrained one. In a few days the new message will be taking over from the old one.
SOME EXAMPLES OF ANTIDOTES:
-I am stupid
-I am not stupid, I passed my degree with honors I am frightened I will go broke
-Take that fear and, just for this next five minutes, let it go I will never get my music deal
-Your success as a person does not depend on a music deal
Just reading these through as you notice them stuck on the wall will remind you that you have an old habit that needs to be replaced by a new one, and what new thinking needs to be put into place to make a change. It really is that simple. I recommend you stick with replacing one old message at a time. Remember you must have a new message to replace the old one - you don't want to leave a vacuum. As you practise this, you will notice that when you get bored by the Post-it note on the wall it will mean you have registered the new message. Now it's time to move on to the next old message. You will find each note stays on the wall for a shorter time. It might start off as two weeks and you will move it to two days. Your assimilation will accelerate in the light of new experience. Don't make it any more complicated; that's as simple as it needs to be.
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This is how to tackle the internal authority. Listen carefully to the 'polluted' message - you will know what it is because when you hear it you will feel ashamed. Catch it and study it. Think back to when you first heard it. Who said it to you?Think hard and you will find the answer. You will realise that you are obeying it even though it comes from someone for whom you may have no respect or love. If they were obeying you after many years,
wouldn't you think it was a little strange?You are responsible for taking the correct course of action to remedy these old messages. No one is making you do what you don't want to do.
Next, write down the message on a piece of paper. Then put a line through it and write the antidote next to it. Stick it on the wall where you will see it all the time. If this is not possible because others live with you, then draw a picture or write it in code. As you read it, the new message will filter into your consciousness and you will find yourself adapting to it. All you are doing is changing a thinking habit - albeit a very ingrained one. In a few days the new message will be taking over from the old one.
SOME EXAMPLES OF ANTIDOTES:
-I am stupid
-I am not stupid, I passed my degree with honors I am frightened I will go broke
-Take that fear and, just for this next five minutes, let it go I will never get my music deal
-Your success as a person does not depend on a music deal
Just reading these through as you notice them stuck on the wall will remind you that you have an old habit that needs to be replaced by a new one, and what new thinking needs to be put into place to make a change. It really is that simple. I recommend you stick with replacing one old message at a time. Remember you must have a new message to replace the old one - you don't want to leave a vacuum. As you practise this, you will notice that when you get bored by the Post-it note on the wall it will mean you have registered the new message. Now it's time to move on to the next old message. You will find each note stays on the wall for a shorter time. It might start off as two weeks and you will move it to two days. Your assimilation will accelerate in the light of new experience. Don't make it any more complicated; that's as simple as it needs to be.
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How to Indirectly Confront Your Parents
If you know you are struggling with a parental relationship, but it is not possible, for whatever reason, for you to talk to them, find someone else with whom you can let out your frustrations. Most people would choose to take this route. Once you have established what your normal pattern of behaviour is in their presence, you can take measures to change it. You will begin to see how you still act as a child and issue the same demands. They follow your command and behave in the same way they did when they were responsible for you. But things have changed, and you have to take the lead to put the changes into place. It is not up to them to change the patterns until you ask them. The goal is to change your current behaviour when you are with them in the same way that you would confront any other external authority as outlined above.
Your first step is to identify what it is you need from them and then take steps to get it elsewhere. If you need to go to their house for the night, get some home cooking and your washing done, you are setting yourself up to be treated like a teenager. For the good stuff you receive from your parents, you must pay a price and this is to stay in the old pattern. Get a washing machine or start using the launderette and learn how to cook your own nice meals! You then need less from your parents and you will be able to confront them indirectly as you would your work colleague, as outlined previously.
Your behaviour will gradually change and, although the change will startle them, they will adjust. What you want to achieve is you feeling better about yourself in their company. This does not entail them changing, this is about you changing. Bear in mind that it's rather like the family members being represented as bobbles on a nursery mobile. The balance of the mobile is delicate because if one bobble moves the rest are affected and all the bobbles on the mobile will move accordingly to keep the mobile balanced. When one person gets off, the mobile will bounce around for a while, before the mobile eventually settles down and forms a new shape. This is what happens when a family member puts some changes into place and forces a different dynamic between the members (the bobbles). New relationships will form and everyone will need to adjust.
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Your first step is to identify what it is you need from them and then take steps to get it elsewhere. If you need to go to their house for the night, get some home cooking and your washing done, you are setting yourself up to be treated like a teenager. For the good stuff you receive from your parents, you must pay a price and this is to stay in the old pattern. Get a washing machine or start using the launderette and learn how to cook your own nice meals! You then need less from your parents and you will be able to confront them indirectly as you would your work colleague, as outlined previously.
Your behaviour will gradually change and, although the change will startle them, they will adjust. What you want to achieve is you feeling better about yourself in their company. This does not entail them changing, this is about you changing. Bear in mind that it's rather like the family members being represented as bobbles on a nursery mobile. The balance of the mobile is delicate because if one bobble moves the rest are affected and all the bobbles on the mobile will move accordingly to keep the mobile balanced. When one person gets off, the mobile will bounce around for a while, before the mobile eventually settles down and forms a new shape. This is what happens when a family member puts some changes into place and forces a different dynamic between the members (the bobbles). New relationships will form and everyone will need to adjust.
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How to Directly Confront Your Parents
Confronting your parents directly is a choice taken only by a minority of people. This is for those who are too depressed to 'play around bashing the cushions,' because that does not do justice to what they suffered. This route involves huge personal risks because it is about confronting a perpetrator who still feels all-powerful. The point of the exercise is to diminish the power that person holds. It is not an exercise in trying to 'get them back for what they did to me.'
If you decide to take this route, make sure that you first seek professional support from a therapist and ask them if they think it would be a good idea, presuming that person would know the details of your family history. If a trusted therapist feels it would be beneficial to your recovery, you may like to consider the following suggestions for how to go about it. You could meet your parents on neutral ground, in a hotel, with a mediator, or, depending on the nature of your problem, at a solicitor's office. It would be respectful to let them know beforehand that there is something from your childhood that you need to bring out into the open. You may want to outline it in a letter beforehand.
You must be prepared to confront them without telling them how 'they' feel or who 'they' are. Instead, you will need to conduct the exchange from an T perspective. This is the way of lessening the possibility of conflict, because if we tell another how we feel rather than how they feel, there is nothing to argue about. For example, if I say to someone, 'You're always criticizing me,' their response might be, 'No, I'm not,' and then the whole question of whether or not they do is up for grabs. But if I say, 'I have never felt as if I have done the right thing in your company,' that is unarguable fact and cannot be disputed because no one else can know what we feel.
You may want to express your hurt and anger towards them, but don't act it out. Only discuss your tender feelings if you feel strong enough for any response you might get. Only go through with the exercise if you accept that you will not get them to change and they will probably deny what you are exposing. Don't do it in the hope that they will fall at your feet and beg forgiveness. Do it in the knowledge that the self-healing will come as a result of you expressing yourself, not in the response they offer.
If you receive a loving response, then that is your bonus. Don't fall into the denial of 'maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.' Do it only if you are prepared to lose a relationship with your parents, even though your hope is to build a better one.
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If you decide to take this route, make sure that you first seek professional support from a therapist and ask them if they think it would be a good idea, presuming that person would know the details of your family history. If a trusted therapist feels it would be beneficial to your recovery, you may like to consider the following suggestions for how to go about it. You could meet your parents on neutral ground, in a hotel, with a mediator, or, depending on the nature of your problem, at a solicitor's office. It would be respectful to let them know beforehand that there is something from your childhood that you need to bring out into the open. You may want to outline it in a letter beforehand.
You must be prepared to confront them without telling them how 'they' feel or who 'they' are. Instead, you will need to conduct the exchange from an T perspective. This is the way of lessening the possibility of conflict, because if we tell another how we feel rather than how they feel, there is nothing to argue about. For example, if I say to someone, 'You're always criticizing me,' their response might be, 'No, I'm not,' and then the whole question of whether or not they do is up for grabs. But if I say, 'I have never felt as if I have done the right thing in your company,' that is unarguable fact and cannot be disputed because no one else can know what we feel.
You may want to express your hurt and anger towards them, but don't act it out. Only discuss your tender feelings if you feel strong enough for any response you might get. Only go through with the exercise if you accept that you will not get them to change and they will probably deny what you are exposing. Don't do it in the hope that they will fall at your feet and beg forgiveness. Do it in the knowledge that the self-healing will come as a result of you expressing yourself, not in the response they offer.
If you receive a loving response, then that is your bonus. Don't fall into the denial of 'maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.' Do it only if you are prepared to lose a relationship with your parents, even though your hope is to build a better one.
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Divide into Three
Identifying some of the messages that gallop through our minds is the first step in 'dividing into three'. Dividing into three is about listening to the messages in our heads, the judgements on our shoulders and the feelings in our stomachs. It is about understanding that how we talk to ourselves makes us behave and feel the way we do.
This exercise entails grabbing the essence of your thoughts and feelings and evaluating it to determine which part of you is the directive and which part is the respondent. You will begin to see how you are controlled and, after some practice, you will find you have many more choices in how you respond to the world. When we are chronically depressed, we feel we have no choices and this concludes with us feeling hopeless.
Dividing into three is the best way to get in tune with yourself so that you can sense what is being said internally, how it affects you, and what the correcting course of action is. This stage can be very hard work, but when your spirit is in the ditch and you have tried everything else to make yourself feel better, you have no choice but to take the risk. It will provide you with lifelong opportunities to change your outlook and beat depression.
To begin to divide into three you have to make a distinction between the three parts of you: the Adult, the Parent and the Child.
THE ADULT
The Adult sits in your brain and is the wise part of you that can give you information about what is best for you without judgement or criticism. It has no emotions attached to it; it is purely objective. The best way to identify this part of you is to think about a scenario that is going on with someone you are not close to. Take an objective view about what you think is right for them. Have an overview of their situation and get a non-judging response together in case you are called up for your opinion. This is the 'intellect'. It is the sage, the wisdom or the higher self that you can develop to help you through times of decision. The voice will get stronger the more you listen. It is that little murmur you often ignore which is letting you know which direction to take. This voice sits in the brain rather than in the heart. It is the seat of all our knowledge. The Adult is a direct link to our Higher Power. The Adult transcends emotion and we can start to lean on the wisdom it has to offer as a beacon through our dark times. The Adult has only our good at heart and would never give any advice that would harm us or any other person. The Adult attempts to communicate with us at any given opportunity but this only comes in stillness -and when we are depressed we are reluctant to stop 'doing' or 'thinking'.The Adult strives to create a wholeness in us that will serve to bring together the fractured parts of ourselves.
THE PARENT
The Parent sits on your middle torso and often on your shoulders. This is the part of you that shows judgement and can be helpful or unhelpful. You need to judge things that go on around you; you need to assess what is happening and then make conscious decisions for yourself .The Parent, like the Adult, contains no emotion, although the way it addresses you can be loving or critical. It works in a logical manner based on the map that was formed in the past.
Another way of identifying the Negative Parent is to become aware of how you view others. If you think of someone you know and picture what you think of them, you are using the Parent. It is important to be aware what those thoughts are because how you view others is generally how you view yourself .You can only see the world as a reflection of yourself and it is a good guide to understanding how you are to others. You need to have this Parent inside you but you have to change it so that it becomes a softer Parent who makes assessments and guides you with a firm but gentle voice.
A man was talking to his three-year-old daughter who refused to put on her coat as they left the doctor's. He bent down and talked to her at her level. He then said, 'We have to put on your coat because it's very cold outside; now shall we do this firmly or gently?' After a whole minute, during which the man just sat, the little girl said, 'Gently' and held out her arms. This is the touch we need to give to ourselves. We took on the script that our parents fed us whether we wanted to or not. As children, we had no choice. But as adults we can change the way we talk to ourselves because we now have the power to do this.
The first step is just to recognize this 'Parent'. Whether it is a loving voice or a horrible voice, for the moment, don't try to change it. This voice is your 'ruler' for better or worse. It is the voice that judges you - for good or bad. This voice is the intermediary between your 'Adult' and your 'Child'. It is not always rational - indeed it may never be rational. It is a mirror of your parents' authority. This may be to your good, but if you have become very depressed then the chances are this parental voice needs some adjustment.
We need the Parent inside us to become a good judge. We need to make judgements on the world to protect us. People who have well-developed judges trust themselves when dealing with others. They are relaxed in others' company because they don't feel threatened. This is how we have to develop the Parent in us - to become a good judge of ourselves and others.
THE CHILD
The Child is your feelings or emotions. This is the part of you that cries, laughs, feels joy, anger, frustration, jealousy, rage and pain. Your Child will live in your torso, which extends from your ribcage to the bottom of your stomach. Different parts of your torso may hold different feelings. Fear often lives in the top of the stomach or in the ribcage; joy often lives in the bottom of your stomach.
The state your Child is in is dependent on the relationship between the Adult and Parent. If you are depressed it's because your Child has had no voice or good Parenting for some time, maybe never. Many chronically depressed people encompass a traumatized Child. This is a Child who has had to withhold the possibility of joy because it feels dangerous to need love or want contact with others. Children who have been neglected or abused will not trust adults; similarly, our own Child will not trust our own Adult for care and guidance, and we respond to the world like a child who has been let loose.
Conversely, if we begin to develop our Parent self, using the methods I have outlined, we will better access our Adult self to give us the wisdom we need to take care of ourselves. Our Child self will feel less isolated and will trust a little more. Learning to talk to ourselves is the fastest route towards building self-trust and, although it is difficult in the beginning, we must persevere. Once we have learned to do this, we have a skill that will keep us moving forwards toward our higher goal.
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This exercise entails grabbing the essence of your thoughts and feelings and evaluating it to determine which part of you is the directive and which part is the respondent. You will begin to see how you are controlled and, after some practice, you will find you have many more choices in how you respond to the world. When we are chronically depressed, we feel we have no choices and this concludes with us feeling hopeless.
Dividing into three is the best way to get in tune with yourself so that you can sense what is being said internally, how it affects you, and what the correcting course of action is. This stage can be very hard work, but when your spirit is in the ditch and you have tried everything else to make yourself feel better, you have no choice but to take the risk. It will provide you with lifelong opportunities to change your outlook and beat depression.
To begin to divide into three you have to make a distinction between the three parts of you: the Adult, the Parent and the Child.
THE ADULT
The Adult sits in your brain and is the wise part of you that can give you information about what is best for you without judgement or criticism. It has no emotions attached to it; it is purely objective. The best way to identify this part of you is to think about a scenario that is going on with someone you are not close to. Take an objective view about what you think is right for them. Have an overview of their situation and get a non-judging response together in case you are called up for your opinion. This is the 'intellect'. It is the sage, the wisdom or the higher self that you can develop to help you through times of decision. The voice will get stronger the more you listen. It is that little murmur you often ignore which is letting you know which direction to take. This voice sits in the brain rather than in the heart. It is the seat of all our knowledge. The Adult is a direct link to our Higher Power. The Adult transcends emotion and we can start to lean on the wisdom it has to offer as a beacon through our dark times. The Adult has only our good at heart and would never give any advice that would harm us or any other person. The Adult attempts to communicate with us at any given opportunity but this only comes in stillness -and when we are depressed we are reluctant to stop 'doing' or 'thinking'.The Adult strives to create a wholeness in us that will serve to bring together the fractured parts of ourselves.
THE PARENT
The Parent sits on your middle torso and often on your shoulders. This is the part of you that shows judgement and can be helpful or unhelpful. You need to judge things that go on around you; you need to assess what is happening and then make conscious decisions for yourself .The Parent, like the Adult, contains no emotion, although the way it addresses you can be loving or critical. It works in a logical manner based on the map that was formed in the past.
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However, the Negative Parent can often be harsh in its criticism and the severity of the criticism directly depends on how you were criticized as a child. You can hear it as the little voice in your head or on your shoulders that tells you about yourself. It will say how the world sees you and may give a regular 'See, I told you so' to reaffirm harsh condemnation that you were given in childhood. However, these messages are way out of date.Another way of identifying the Negative Parent is to become aware of how you view others. If you think of someone you know and picture what you think of them, you are using the Parent. It is important to be aware what those thoughts are because how you view others is generally how you view yourself .You can only see the world as a reflection of yourself and it is a good guide to understanding how you are to others. You need to have this Parent inside you but you have to change it so that it becomes a softer Parent who makes assessments and guides you with a firm but gentle voice.
A man was talking to his three-year-old daughter who refused to put on her coat as they left the doctor's. He bent down and talked to her at her level. He then said, 'We have to put on your coat because it's very cold outside; now shall we do this firmly or gently?' After a whole minute, during which the man just sat, the little girl said, 'Gently' and held out her arms. This is the touch we need to give to ourselves. We took on the script that our parents fed us whether we wanted to or not. As children, we had no choice. But as adults we can change the way we talk to ourselves because we now have the power to do this.
The first step is just to recognize this 'Parent'. Whether it is a loving voice or a horrible voice, for the moment, don't try to change it. This voice is your 'ruler' for better or worse. It is the voice that judges you - for good or bad. This voice is the intermediary between your 'Adult' and your 'Child'. It is not always rational - indeed it may never be rational. It is a mirror of your parents' authority. This may be to your good, but if you have become very depressed then the chances are this parental voice needs some adjustment.
We need the Parent inside us to become a good judge. We need to make judgements on the world to protect us. People who have well-developed judges trust themselves when dealing with others. They are relaxed in others' company because they don't feel threatened. This is how we have to develop the Parent in us - to become a good judge of ourselves and others.
THE CHILD
The Child is your feelings or emotions. This is the part of you that cries, laughs, feels joy, anger, frustration, jealousy, rage and pain. Your Child will live in your torso, which extends from your ribcage to the bottom of your stomach. Different parts of your torso may hold different feelings. Fear often lives in the top of the stomach or in the ribcage; joy often lives in the bottom of your stomach.
The state your Child is in is dependent on the relationship between the Adult and Parent. If you are depressed it's because your Child has had no voice or good Parenting for some time, maybe never. Many chronically depressed people encompass a traumatized Child. This is a Child who has had to withhold the possibility of joy because it feels dangerous to need love or want contact with others. Children who have been neglected or abused will not trust adults; similarly, our own Child will not trust our own Adult for care and guidance, and we respond to the world like a child who has been let loose.
Conversely, if we begin to develop our Parent self, using the methods I have outlined, we will better access our Adult self to give us the wisdom we need to take care of ourselves. Our Child self will feel less isolated and will trust a little more. Learning to talk to ourselves is the fastest route towards building self-trust and, although it is difficult in the beginning, we must persevere. Once we have learned to do this, we have a skill that will keep us moving forwards toward our higher goal.
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What To Do When You Are Depressed to Move
When you are in a full depression, there is really no point in trying to fight it. It is like riding a bicycle with a flat tire. We keep getting off and pumping it up only to find that the tire is flat once more minutes later. We are better off just accepting the status quo instead of fighting a battle we can't win.The harsh words we tell ourselves are akin to falsely pumping up that tyre again, only to feel deflated soon after. 'What's wrong with you?' - 'Pull yourself together, you idiot!' - 'You're a useless piece of shit!' - are admonishments that won't help. At times like this, just stop, breathe out and notice the release of tension in your stomach. Accept the depression for that moment. Know that you are depressed and, just for that moment, are completely powerless to change it.
This acceptance will bring you a sense of relief. It will calm you down in the knowledge that you don't have to sort it out there and then. You can just relax and sit with the feeling of being depressed. It is not self-indulgent; it is honest.You are entitled to feel depressed if that is how you feel. You can still function and be depressed. Being depressed does not mean you are going to die; it means you feel depressed. You can cope with that for one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You are not a freak, you are not unnatural, you are not worthless - you are simply depressed.
You are better off surrendering to your depression than trying to fight it. Like pushing wet sand, the more you push, the harder it gets. By surrendering you are putting your arms in the air and saying just that: 'I surrender.' Go on - try it. Just do it. You will feel the difference as you do it and you will feel some acceptance of your current state.
HOW TO SURRENDER
You must prepare well for this. You need time to yourself. It does not need to be all day but it needs to be at least one hour a day. However, the more time you get to yourself the better. You don't have to be on your own but you need to have little or no responsibility during your hour. Once this is organised, you must become aware of your duties for the week and cut them down to the bare minimum. If you have a job, take time off. If you have children, organise your routine as best you can to get as much time to yourself. You may feel that this is too much bother but also bear in mind how long you have been depressed and ask yourself how much longer you want to stay depressed.
At some point you have to surrender to the fact that you are suffering from depression and that you feel powerless over it. You have tried everything to change the way you feel and little has worked. For now, just admit that you are powerless over your depression - submit to your feelings.
It is vital for your recovery that you completely indulge in your feelings so that you feel saturated. This is because you have never allowed yourself to totally experience the despair and hopelessness that comes with depression. This is the goal of surrendering. We usually judge ourselves harshly for our state of mind, but this is the time for you to accept yours. This may be the most difficult part of beating depression because you have probably never allowed yourself to completely indulge in your despair. Stick with the simplicity of allowing yourself this time out.
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This acceptance will bring you a sense of relief. It will calm you down in the knowledge that you don't have to sort it out there and then. You can just relax and sit with the feeling of being depressed. It is not self-indulgent; it is honest.You are entitled to feel depressed if that is how you feel. You can still function and be depressed. Being depressed does not mean you are going to die; it means you feel depressed. You can cope with that for one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You are not a freak, you are not unnatural, you are not worthless - you are simply depressed.
You are better off surrendering to your depression than trying to fight it. Like pushing wet sand, the more you push, the harder it gets. By surrendering you are putting your arms in the air and saying just that: 'I surrender.' Go on - try it. Just do it. You will feel the difference as you do it and you will feel some acceptance of your current state.
HOW TO SURRENDER
You must prepare well for this. You need time to yourself. It does not need to be all day but it needs to be at least one hour a day. However, the more time you get to yourself the better. You don't have to be on your own but you need to have little or no responsibility during your hour. Once this is organised, you must become aware of your duties for the week and cut them down to the bare minimum. If you have a job, take time off. If you have children, organise your routine as best you can to get as much time to yourself. You may feel that this is too much bother but also bear in mind how long you have been depressed and ask yourself how much longer you want to stay depressed.
At some point you have to surrender to the fact that you are suffering from depression and that you feel powerless over it. You have tried everything to change the way you feel and little has worked. For now, just admit that you are powerless over your depression - submit to your feelings.
It is vital for your recovery that you completely indulge in your feelings so that you feel saturated. This is because you have never allowed yourself to totally experience the despair and hopelessness that comes with depression. This is the goal of surrendering. We usually judge ourselves harshly for our state of mind, but this is the time for you to accept yours. This may be the most difficult part of beating depression because you have probably never allowed yourself to completely indulge in your despair. Stick with the simplicity of allowing yourself this time out.
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How to Heal and Tackle the Shame
The key to healing our shame is to expose it. Shame is like a bacteria that needs to be kept in the dark to grow. Opening ourselves up and letting in some light will kill off some of the shame. Shame left in the dark multiplies. Start by exposing it to yourself. The following exercise will help you uncover your shame, allowing it to come out of it's hiding place. You can then begin to tackle it by addressing it with your Adult self. Look at the table and its examples below. Draw an outline of the table in your journal and follow through the instruction if you feel ashamed about something. Don't worry what others might think - it is not intended for anyone else to read.
The exercise contains a suggestion that you open your shame to another person ('Expose it to another'). Only do this if you have someone, or a group, who will listen without judgement. If you have not found that place, wait until you find it. Healing shame involves getting to the heart of the pain. You will find pain you didn't know you had. In the first example in the table, the pain of needing to boast comes from the anguish of feeling worthless without the prop. This is painful because, like a child, we cling to a fantasy that we have to 'do' and 'own' to be accepted by others. We believe that no one will like us if they know what we are like inside. But with accurate counseling from our Adult self we can come to terms with the pain and view it in a new light. We can see that this is a childlike reaction to the world that keeps us from the world and from our potential joy.
As you begin to expose things that you feel ashamed about, you will feel better about yourself and will find yourself wanting to expose all of it. It's as though you have cleared out a messy drawer that you have been avoiding for years. Now you want to get the rest of the drawers cleared and then tackle under the bed. The feeling that comes with exposing shame is liberation.
LOOKING AT OUR BEHAVIOUR
Another way to tackle shame is to look at our behavior and identify how it has both protected and enhanced us. The goal is to take steps towards bringing the lighter side of our behavior more into focus and thereby diminishing the way it has created negative patterns.
In this exercise you have a grid with four columns. You must identify your behavior pattern, how it has had a negative influence, how it has protected you and, finally, how it has enhanced you. Don't judge yourself- that's not important. What is important is that you can identify your behavior, because our depressive behavior has both negative and positive aspects to it. We have behaved in ways that have protected us and it is time to learn how we can alter our behavior to our best advantage. That is the ultimate responsibility that we can take for ourselves and it will engender compassion and reduce anxiety.
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The exercise contains a suggestion that you open your shame to another person ('Expose it to another'). Only do this if you have someone, or a group, who will listen without judgement. If you have not found that place, wait until you find it. Healing shame involves getting to the heart of the pain. You will find pain you didn't know you had. In the first example in the table, the pain of needing to boast comes from the anguish of feeling worthless without the prop. This is painful because, like a child, we cling to a fantasy that we have to 'do' and 'own' to be accepted by others. We believe that no one will like us if they know what we are like inside. But with accurate counseling from our Adult self we can come to terms with the pain and view it in a new light. We can see that this is a childlike reaction to the world that keeps us from the world and from our potential joy.
As you begin to expose things that you feel ashamed about, you will feel better about yourself and will find yourself wanting to expose all of it. It's as though you have cleared out a messy drawer that you have been avoiding for years. Now you want to get the rest of the drawers cleared and then tackle under the bed. The feeling that comes with exposing shame is liberation.
LOOKING AT OUR BEHAVIOUR
Another way to tackle shame is to look at our behavior and identify how it has both protected and enhanced us. The goal is to take steps towards bringing the lighter side of our behavior more into focus and thereby diminishing the way it has created negative patterns.
In this exercise you have a grid with four columns. You must identify your behavior pattern, how it has had a negative influence, how it has protected you and, finally, how it has enhanced you. Don't judge yourself- that's not important. What is important is that you can identify your behavior, because our depressive behavior has both negative and positive aspects to it. We have behaved in ways that have protected us and it is time to learn how we can alter our behavior to our best advantage. That is the ultimate responsibility that we can take for ourselves and it will engender compassion and reduce anxiety.
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When you begin to outline your modes of behavior, you will start to feel respect for yourself .You will begin to see that your behavior has worked well for you in many ways by keeping you safe from the outside world. You will begin to recognize that you can expand on the positive traits of your behavior while reducing the negative ones. For example, although being messy has helped you to stay busy, you can start to take steps to clear up some of your messiness, which will bring you some peace of mind. If you are always doing things for others, it may be time to stop unnecessary good deeds and concentrate on performing more good deeds for yourself .Your negative traits may have been learned as a child and served their purpose well. If you are recovering from depression, then the negative behavior has outstayed its welcome and it is time to say goodbye. You have new tools to change your behavior patterns and the self-destructiveness. Your negative behavior will diminish as you appreciate how to turn your actions into positive enhancements. This will heal the shame that goes alongside the negative behavior.
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Heal Depression By Tackling Shame
Tackling our shame is at the crux of our recovery because shame is the root of self-loathing. When we feel stuck and imprisoned, it is shame that binds us to our depression. When we experience shame we are not open to the world, we cannot receive from others, we don't trust ourselves not to fall apart if we talk about it, and we feel of little value.
Shaming is something that we experience as children. If we feel deep shame we have a hangover from the way an adult has habitually addressed us in a cruel way. Adults are constantly shaming children. You see it everywhere. Just walk into any supermarket and you can see a child being called some foul obscenity or suffering some awful humiliation. As adults we continue to talk to ourselves in this manner. If we hadn't been shamed as children, we would not take it up as an adult. It just wouldn't happen.
SOME EXAMPLES OF WHEN WE MIGHT FEEL SHAME ARE:
• Too often we feel we are doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, e.g. we turn up at a party wearing full evening dress when everyone else is in jeans
• We expose our weakness, e.g. when someone sees us cry
• We feel less than we are, e.g. we simply don't feel good enough in others' company no matter how many times they tell us we are great
• We judge ourselves harshly, e.g. at the school gates, a works 'do' or our local gym, when everyone else looks as though they have the perfect life and we feel like a social leper
• We feel we have been exposed, e.g. we accidentally send a bitchy email about someone to the person we were vilifying when it was meant to go to our best mate
• We feel we are living a lie and we must do everything and anything to keep up the lie to the point of exhaustion
When we feel shame we believe that the very core of us is contaminated and needs to be kept a secret because, if it gets out, it may contaminate everyone else. Shame grabs our head and pulls it down so that others can't see us. Shame leaves us believing that we are worse than anyone else. Fear of being found out about how shameful we are drives our lives. All our actions are governed by how we can dodge being 'found out'. Being 'found out' means the end of us because we couldn't survive the humiliation.
When our shame becomes unbearable our denial will kick in. This will render us incapable of feeling the shame. But this may become a temporary life-saver (although it may not be others' preferred remedy for helping us) until we feel better and we can face reality a little at a time.
However, until the shame is confronted we are trapped. This is because, as children, we could not confront our persecutors because we needed them for our very survival. The shame that was bestowed on us is still in charge. But as adults we have choices and we can heal this shame.
The healing must start from a different place to healing other parts of our trauma, e.g. our grief. Healing our grief starts when we feel backed up against the wall with nowhere else to go and we feel forced to confront our pain. Healing our shame comes from the opposite corner because we need to feel a little safety and security before we can possibly open up to our shame. The very nature of shame is its ability to hide at the drop of a hat with denial, quickly setting us up to say, 'There's nothing wrong with me!' or 'This is not happening,' or 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'
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Shaming is something that we experience as children. If we feel deep shame we have a hangover from the way an adult has habitually addressed us in a cruel way. Adults are constantly shaming children. You see it everywhere. Just walk into any supermarket and you can see a child being called some foul obscenity or suffering some awful humiliation. As adults we continue to talk to ourselves in this manner. If we hadn't been shamed as children, we would not take it up as an adult. It just wouldn't happen.
SOME EXAMPLES OF WHEN WE MIGHT FEEL SHAME ARE:
• Too often we feel we are doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, e.g. we turn up at a party wearing full evening dress when everyone else is in jeans
• We expose our weakness, e.g. when someone sees us cry
• We feel less than we are, e.g. we simply don't feel good enough in others' company no matter how many times they tell us we are great
• We judge ourselves harshly, e.g. at the school gates, a works 'do' or our local gym, when everyone else looks as though they have the perfect life and we feel like a social leper
• We feel we have been exposed, e.g. we accidentally send a bitchy email about someone to the person we were vilifying when it was meant to go to our best mate
• We feel we are living a lie and we must do everything and anything to keep up the lie to the point of exhaustion
When we feel shame we believe that the very core of us is contaminated and needs to be kept a secret because, if it gets out, it may contaminate everyone else. Shame grabs our head and pulls it down so that others can't see us. Shame leaves us believing that we are worse than anyone else. Fear of being found out about how shameful we are drives our lives. All our actions are governed by how we can dodge being 'found out'. Being 'found out' means the end of us because we couldn't survive the humiliation.
When our shame becomes unbearable our denial will kick in. This will render us incapable of feeling the shame. But this may become a temporary life-saver (although it may not be others' preferred remedy for helping us) until we feel better and we can face reality a little at a time.
However, until the shame is confronted we are trapped. This is because, as children, we could not confront our persecutors because we needed them for our very survival. The shame that was bestowed on us is still in charge. But as adults we have choices and we can heal this shame.
The healing must start from a different place to healing other parts of our trauma, e.g. our grief. Healing our grief starts when we feel backed up against the wall with nowhere else to go and we feel forced to confront our pain. Healing our shame comes from the opposite corner because we need to feel a little safety and security before we can possibly open up to our shame. The very nature of shame is its ability to hide at the drop of a hat with denial, quickly setting us up to say, 'There's nothing wrong with me!' or 'This is not happening,' or 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'
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Four Scenarios That Cause Depression
Here are four common scenarios that can push you into despair and depression:
Post-natal depression
If someone is prone to depression, giving birth can trigger off a chronic bout. There is a lot of conjecture about why women become depressed after having given birth. Reams of medical papers are devoted to the theorising of post-natal depression and the role that hormonal change plays. However, there are some very simple explanations for it: being physically shattered; the overwhelming responsibility of caring for the baby; a feeling of isolation at home with our partner having returned to work, and maybe giving up our own job with all its support system. When we are depressed the last thing we want is to have to take care of a new baby, regardless of how much we adore it, but we feel we have no choice.
Retirement
Just sitting still with ourselves can be a traumatic experience if we've spent years being busy. Whatever we have been running from catches up with us when we stop. We are not experienced in sitting still and taking time to do what we want. We also give up the power and the glory of being needed and fulfilled in our previous role. Once we are retired, it can seem like our raison d'etre has gone.
We are competing with everyone
The very nature of the 'civilized' world lends itself to many people feeling like a failure. In our better/best world, it is not hard to feel that we will never be good enough. We are constantly bombarded with ideals, images and stories about how we should live our lives. Icons are held up as examples of what we should achieve. Tales of others' perfect lives come at us every way we turn and it takes a strong character not to buy into these fantasies of what we need to buy/earn/sell in order to achieve happiness.
We have lost our childhood
For some of us, none of the above had to happen for us to feel depressed. We have always felt depressed and we don't really know what it's like not to feel that way. This is because we didn't have the childhood we were entitled to. The childhood we are entitled to is one that is full of fun and happiness; where we feel safe and warm knowing that, however naughty we are, we are still cherished. We should be fed and washed, be able to sleep soundly, and be nurtured and guided through life's lessons. If we are disciplined, it should be in a way that feels firm but fair.
Those of us who did not experience this may have grown up feeling isolated and uneasy with others, especially authority figures. We constantly seek approval and have lost our identity in the process. We get guilt feelings for standing up for ourselves and we put others before ourselves. We fear criticism and take it as a threat. We feel victimised and are attracted by this weakness in others. We judge ourselves harshly and have very low self-esteem. We have become dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and willing to do anything to hold on to a relationship.
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Post-natal depression
If someone is prone to depression, giving birth can trigger off a chronic bout. There is a lot of conjecture about why women become depressed after having given birth. Reams of medical papers are devoted to the theorising of post-natal depression and the role that hormonal change plays. However, there are some very simple explanations for it: being physically shattered; the overwhelming responsibility of caring for the baby; a feeling of isolation at home with our partner having returned to work, and maybe giving up our own job with all its support system. When we are depressed the last thing we want is to have to take care of a new baby, regardless of how much we adore it, but we feel we have no choice.
Retirement
Just sitting still with ourselves can be a traumatic experience if we've spent years being busy. Whatever we have been running from catches up with us when we stop. We are not experienced in sitting still and taking time to do what we want. We also give up the power and the glory of being needed and fulfilled in our previous role. Once we are retired, it can seem like our raison d'etre has gone.
We are competing with everyone
The very nature of the 'civilized' world lends itself to many people feeling like a failure. In our better/best world, it is not hard to feel that we will never be good enough. We are constantly bombarded with ideals, images and stories about how we should live our lives. Icons are held up as examples of what we should achieve. Tales of others' perfect lives come at us every way we turn and it takes a strong character not to buy into these fantasies of what we need to buy/earn/sell in order to achieve happiness.
We have lost our childhood
For some of us, none of the above had to happen for us to feel depressed. We have always felt depressed and we don't really know what it's like not to feel that way. This is because we didn't have the childhood we were entitled to. The childhood we are entitled to is one that is full of fun and happiness; where we feel safe and warm knowing that, however naughty we are, we are still cherished. We should be fed and washed, be able to sleep soundly, and be nurtured and guided through life's lessons. If we are disciplined, it should be in a way that feels firm but fair.
Those of us who did not experience this may have grown up feeling isolated and uneasy with others, especially authority figures. We constantly seek approval and have lost our identity in the process. We get guilt feelings for standing up for ourselves and we put others before ourselves. We fear criticism and take it as a threat. We feel victimised and are attracted by this weakness in others. We judge ourselves harshly and have very low self-esteem. We have become dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and willing to do anything to hold on to a relationship.
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Tuesday 2 December 2008
How To Find A Decent Therapist
When you begin to look for help, you must spend some time getting the conditions right. This can be very difficult. Finding the right therapist can be a bit of a lucky dip. You are going to be bearing your soul to this person, and you need to know you can trust them. Obviously, client confidentiality is the bottom line, but there are other factors to consider. It can be a mistake to go for the first person you hear about. Finding the right therapist is like anything else of great importance - you need to shop around.
I know to my cost that rushing into a therapy situation without taking a view on the person, their working practices and the environment in which they work can be detrimental to the recovery process. I have opened up to people who needed more help than me! As an example, I went to one therapist who, in hindsight, actually had severe depression himself and would tell me about it during my session - an absolute no-no, as therapists should not be talking about themselves in your time! Together we wound ourselves into a web of inappropriate behavior that resulted in him coming around for dinner and me counseling him on his day off. At the time I thought I was cool. In retrospect I lost all self-respect. And the bizarre thing about it was I was paying him $100 per hour!
Below are some sources of help placed into three categories:
1 Therapy
2 Unfacilitated groups
3 Facilitated groups
These three areas are to help you get started and to give you ideas of what to expect. They are not the absolute gospel, simply an idea of what's out there. Take a risk on at least one area, but the ideal scenario is to get help from an individual and from a group. The one-to-one feedback will encourage you to stop running away from your pain and will give you information on how you see yourself. The group will help you to see how others see you and also help you to feel less isolated - you will suddenly realize that there are others out there who know how you feel.
Taking a risk and making the first call is part of getting better. This is because we are doing something to help ourselves and going forward. It takes more strength to take that first step forward than to step backward by medicating the pain. This is our ultimate choice and we may swing from one to the other. We may go for help and seem to make good progress, then we decide we've had enough and go on a 'bender' for six weeks. This is common: nobody is perfect. We cannot recover overnight, it takes time and sometimes we can get fed up of waiting for change. However, any help goes towards a 'credit' in the recovery bank balance.
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I know to my cost that rushing into a therapy situation without taking a view on the person, their working practices and the environment in which they work can be detrimental to the recovery process. I have opened up to people who needed more help than me! As an example, I went to one therapist who, in hindsight, actually had severe depression himself and would tell me about it during my session - an absolute no-no, as therapists should not be talking about themselves in your time! Together we wound ourselves into a web of inappropriate behavior that resulted in him coming around for dinner and me counseling him on his day off. At the time I thought I was cool. In retrospect I lost all self-respect. And the bizarre thing about it was I was paying him $100 per hour!
Below are some sources of help placed into three categories:
1 Therapy
2 Unfacilitated groups
3 Facilitated groups
These three areas are to help you get started and to give you ideas of what to expect. They are not the absolute gospel, simply an idea of what's out there. Take a risk on at least one area, but the ideal scenario is to get help from an individual and from a group. The one-to-one feedback will encourage you to stop running away from your pain and will give you information on how you see yourself. The group will help you to see how others see you and also help you to feel less isolated - you will suddenly realize that there are others out there who know how you feel.
Taking a risk and making the first call is part of getting better. This is because we are doing something to help ourselves and going forward. It takes more strength to take that first step forward than to step backward by medicating the pain. This is our ultimate choice and we may swing from one to the other. We may go for help and seem to make good progress, then we decide we've had enough and go on a 'bender' for six weeks. This is common: nobody is perfect. We cannot recover overnight, it takes time and sometimes we can get fed up of waiting for change. However, any help goes towards a 'credit' in the recovery bank balance.
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How to Find Someone to Help
The fastest route to beating depression is to get help from those who understand your feelings. Talking to others who have been through similar experiences to you will help you feel less isolated. Much depression is created by the negative effect that others have had on us; likewise, people who have a positive effect can accelerate recovery from depression.
We have a distorted perception of ourselves when we are depressed. We feel that something is wrong with us, that we are different from everyone else, that we are not normal and that we are alone. These things can be tackled with good reflection from other people. When I went to see a therapist, I said over and over again that I thought something was wrong with me. I said this for weeks and each time she would reply, 'There's nothing wrong with you except your distorted thinking about yourself.' Although it took a long time for this to sink in, I came to believe her because she kept saying it. She never budged. Whether or not I could have got through depression without this information is a question I will never be able to answer. However, I ate it up like a hungry infant and allowed it to nourish me, even though I didn't believe it for a long time.
This is the kind of help we need: accurate information that we can grasp and assimilate. There are thousands of places to go for help, but I have simplified them into four categories, listed below. If you take up two of the suggestions, a network will appear and you will discover other resources available to you.
The stumbling block people often-put in front of themselves is 'it's not for me'. If this is your voice then here is the benchmark: If you can get good information about yourself from your close circle then you need look no further. However, if talking to your friends doesn't work, get help. We live in a culture of the 'stiff upper lip' and you may not want to venture out to meet strangers and pour out your problems to them. When I first started talking to people about how depressed I was, I felt really angry about the fact that I was even there. I hated talking to others about myself and dismissed most of what I heard for a couple of years. This is not unusual. Many of us have to be crawling on our knees before we ask for help. It is the nature of depression, because we feel so much shame for needing help. If it hurts enough, we will either medicate our feelings or find someone to help us.
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We have a distorted perception of ourselves when we are depressed. We feel that something is wrong with us, that we are different from everyone else, that we are not normal and that we are alone. These things can be tackled with good reflection from other people. When I went to see a therapist, I said over and over again that I thought something was wrong with me. I said this for weeks and each time she would reply, 'There's nothing wrong with you except your distorted thinking about yourself.' Although it took a long time for this to sink in, I came to believe her because she kept saying it. She never budged. Whether or not I could have got through depression without this information is a question I will never be able to answer. However, I ate it up like a hungry infant and allowed it to nourish me, even though I didn't believe it for a long time.
This is the kind of help we need: accurate information that we can grasp and assimilate. There are thousands of places to go for help, but I have simplified them into four categories, listed below. If you take up two of the suggestions, a network will appear and you will discover other resources available to you.
The stumbling block people often-put in front of themselves is 'it's not for me'. If this is your voice then here is the benchmark: If you can get good information about yourself from your close circle then you need look no further. However, if talking to your friends doesn't work, get help. We live in a culture of the 'stiff upper lip' and you may not want to venture out to meet strangers and pour out your problems to them. When I first started talking to people about how depressed I was, I felt really angry about the fact that I was even there. I hated talking to others about myself and dismissed most of what I heard for a couple of years. This is not unusual. Many of us have to be crawling on our knees before we ask for help. It is the nature of depression, because we feel so much shame for needing help. If it hurts enough, we will either medicate our feelings or find someone to help us.
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How Can Acupuncture Help Reduce Depression
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
There is nothing about cigarettes, alcohol or class A or B drugs that are going to add to our wellbeing. We all know that but we still take them. This is normal when we are depressed because we don't have much self-value.
Weigh it up and work out which one to give up or cut down on to give yourself a better chance of recovery. Overcoming an addiction can pull some people into recovery from depression. They have to clean up their medicating techniques enough so they can get nearer to tackling the source of the pain. But it's a 'chicken and egg' situation. The withdrawal from the drug can expose the depression - which-may be why the drug was used in the first place - and if that is too painful then the user may return to the addiction.
However, there is a fantastic recovery rate for these problems with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Also, if someone offers you the chance to go into a residential treatment centre, take the opportunity, because you will get all the support you need. There are some great centres both in the UK and in the US that offer the facilities you need to deal with drugs and alcohol.
ACUPUNCTURE
If there is one alternative treatment to be recommended, it is acupuncture. Acupuncture involves the insertion of fine needles that carry out specific actions. This can stimulate the immune system, which will increase the body's ability to heal itself. When we are depressed we often feel unwell in certain areas of our body. We have aches and pains and feel physically down. These are often symptoms of depression, and acupuncture can help. Many GPs now offer acupuncture for patients with specific ailments, and it is becoming more readily available on the NHS. If you are looking privately, go to the British Acupuncture Council and get some good recommendations for practitioners in your area.
When you go for acupuncture, tell the practitioner that you are depressed and you want treatment for that as well as for your specific ailments. This will assist the practitioner in planning the best treatment for you. As far as cost goes, an acupuncture session starts at about $30. One session a month is good enough and it is really worth it. If you are depressed, you are probably spending money on something you can do without, e.g. cigarettes, chocolate, alcohol or drugs. One session of acupuncture can do more to change the way you feel than all your medications put together. For me, acupuncture significantly contributed to removing the grey, heavy concrete slab that had sat on my chest for 15 years. I am now free of it. That's the power of acupuncture.
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There is nothing about cigarettes, alcohol or class A or B drugs that are going to add to our wellbeing. We all know that but we still take them. This is normal when we are depressed because we don't have much self-value.
Weigh it up and work out which one to give up or cut down on to give yourself a better chance of recovery. Overcoming an addiction can pull some people into recovery from depression. They have to clean up their medicating techniques enough so they can get nearer to tackling the source of the pain. But it's a 'chicken and egg' situation. The withdrawal from the drug can expose the depression - which-may be why the drug was used in the first place - and if that is too painful then the user may return to the addiction.
However, there is a fantastic recovery rate for these problems with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Also, if someone offers you the chance to go into a residential treatment centre, take the opportunity, because you will get all the support you need. There are some great centres both in the UK and in the US that offer the facilities you need to deal with drugs and alcohol.
ACUPUNCTURE
If there is one alternative treatment to be recommended, it is acupuncture. Acupuncture involves the insertion of fine needles that carry out specific actions. This can stimulate the immune system, which will increase the body's ability to heal itself. When we are depressed we often feel unwell in certain areas of our body. We have aches and pains and feel physically down. These are often symptoms of depression, and acupuncture can help. Many GPs now offer acupuncture for patients with specific ailments, and it is becoming more readily available on the NHS. If you are looking privately, go to the British Acupuncture Council and get some good recommendations for practitioners in your area.
When you go for acupuncture, tell the practitioner that you are depressed and you want treatment for that as well as for your specific ailments. This will assist the practitioner in planning the best treatment for you. As far as cost goes, an acupuncture session starts at about $30. One session a month is good enough and it is really worth it. If you are depressed, you are probably spending money on something you can do without, e.g. cigarettes, chocolate, alcohol or drugs. One session of acupuncture can do more to change the way you feel than all your medications put together. For me, acupuncture significantly contributed to removing the grey, heavy concrete slab that had sat on my chest for 15 years. I am now free of it. That's the power of acupuncture.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
How Can Diet Help?
Food affects our mood. That's the bottom line! We all know that when we are depressed we often resort to comfort eating. It is really important to look at this issue when our heads are above water just enough for us to get a little perspective on the way we eat. There is plenty of medical advice available on what to eat and what not to eat, and it is often conflicting. We are bombarded by the message that eating the wrong foods can lead to illness and bad health. The problem is that when we feel depressed, what's in our fridge is of little importance to us. For those of us that can munch through a packet of chocolate digestives in about fifteen minutes, we also know that if there's one thing worse than feeling depressed, it's feeling sick and depressed.
However, if you are trying to climb back up out of a spiral of depression, you have to pay attention to what you put into your mouth. Certain foods can exacerbate depression. For instance, overdoing it on cheese, crisps, ice cream, chocolate, white bread, cakes, biscuits, coffee, alcohol and smoking can make you feel dreadful for at least a couple of days. So you need to attend to your menu.
It's easy to get into a cycle when you are depressed. You don't care what you put in your mouth, so you feel worse, and then care even less. But sometimes just being aware of the link between feeling awful and your eating pattern can be enough to spur you into action. As long as you have that awareness, the seed will germinate and grow in time.
Planning ahead is the key. If you want to eat healthily, you should shop accordingly. And if you prepare healthy food earlier, it will become second nature to get out that food and eat it. Include goodies and treats, but make sure the basics are included. I generally find that by following these two rules I can keep my focus on good food:
1 Five portions of fruit and vegetables a day
2 Eat three meals a day and nothing in between
We feel much better about ourselves when we eat well. Eating junk is part of the self-perpetuating abuse that we pour on ourselves when we have little self-worth. It's easier to fall into the victim mentality when we don't look after ourselves and then blame everyone else for not looking after us. Changing our food is a tiny step towards beating depression.
MY ONE BIG FOOD TIP - SOUPS! AND HOME-MADE IS BEST.
A GREAT RECIPE WHICH IS SIMPLE AND QUICK IS:
Soften 1 onion and two sticks of celery in a pan with some olive oil. Add i tin tomatoes, i tablespoon tomato puree, 2 cloves garlic, i tin cannellini beans and a pint of stock. Simmer for 30 minutes then add herbs to taste (oregano is lovely). Add grated cheese to serve if you wish. This soup is nutritious and comforting and hits the spot every time.
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However, if you are trying to climb back up out of a spiral of depression, you have to pay attention to what you put into your mouth. Certain foods can exacerbate depression. For instance, overdoing it on cheese, crisps, ice cream, chocolate, white bread, cakes, biscuits, coffee, alcohol and smoking can make you feel dreadful for at least a couple of days. So you need to attend to your menu.
It's easy to get into a cycle when you are depressed. You don't care what you put in your mouth, so you feel worse, and then care even less. But sometimes just being aware of the link between feeling awful and your eating pattern can be enough to spur you into action. As long as you have that awareness, the seed will germinate and grow in time.
Planning ahead is the key. If you want to eat healthily, you should shop accordingly. And if you prepare healthy food earlier, it will become second nature to get out that food and eat it. Include goodies and treats, but make sure the basics are included. I generally find that by following these two rules I can keep my focus on good food:
1 Five portions of fruit and vegetables a day
2 Eat three meals a day and nothing in between
We feel much better about ourselves when we eat well. Eating junk is part of the self-perpetuating abuse that we pour on ourselves when we have little self-worth. It's easier to fall into the victim mentality when we don't look after ourselves and then blame everyone else for not looking after us. Changing our food is a tiny step towards beating depression.
MY ONE BIG FOOD TIP - SOUPS! AND HOME-MADE IS BEST.
A GREAT RECIPE WHICH IS SIMPLE AND QUICK IS:
Soften 1 onion and two sticks of celery in a pan with some olive oil. Add i tin tomatoes, i tablespoon tomato puree, 2 cloves garlic, i tin cannellini beans and a pint of stock. Simmer for 30 minutes then add herbs to taste (oregano is lovely). Add grated cheese to serve if you wish. This soup is nutritious and comforting and hits the spot every time.
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Try To Talk To Someone
Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. It works when our depression renders us isolated from the world and we are able to tell someone about our isolation and depression and are supported. Talking to someone can act as a release valve for our feelings. We want to talk to someone who has some understanding of what it's like to be depressed. We need to be heard by someone who is not trying to get a word in edgeways, as this leaves us feeling more displaced than before. If we have someone to listen to us and not judge what we are saying, it gives us an emotional 'leg up'.
Talking to someone won't help if the other person is having a great life and doesn't know what it is like to feel depressed. Common responses from people I have opened up to while feeling downcast have included:
• Pull your socks up, you only have one life. Make the most of it.
• What have you got to be so miserable about?You have a roof over your head and a good job!
• Look at all you've got, don't you know how lucky you are? Look at all the starving children in the world!
• I know many people far worse off than you.
• Don't worry, it'll all turn out OK, you'll see.
Speak to someone who knows how you are feeling. This is when organised groups like 12-Step groups come into their own. By sharing your experiences - and hearing those of others - you can begin to come out of isolation. Find a way to feel safe in another's company by testing the water. Offer a little of yourself and your struggle, and see how you feel afterwards. The healing can begin when you feel accepted by another person. You don't need the whole world to accept you - just one person will do. This will help you to feel less 'mad'. We'll look at how to find this person in a later suggestion.
Be aware that you may feel uncomfortable when talking to others because this breaks our society's 'no talk' rule. Our culture advocates the 'no-talk' rule and praises the 'I'm fine' approach. This is because many of us are scared that someone may talk about their pain, which would be too uncomfortable or embarrassing for us. Many of us have grown up with the notion that having feelings is weak and pathetic. We have ignored them and, as a consequence, have become depressed. It is time to break the 'no talk' rule and start to verbalize how we feel. It's quite amazing how people respond to us when we open up. Indeed, the majority of people will say, 'I have felt like that too.'
It is important to be careful what you talk about and to whom you talk about it. For example, don't talk to a policeman about the crime you undertook in your darkest days. No matter how much you want it off your chest, he might not see it that way. Don't express your rage at the traffic warden who has just given you a ticket; you will feel worse about yourself in the end. It is also important to establish the difference between expressing your feelings and acting on your feelings. If you go to the doctor for help with depression, it is appropriate to talk about your feelings and your despair and pain to allow him to identify how he can help you. It isn't appropriate, however, to throw yourself onto him, bury your head in his lap and sob your heart out for a good half-hour. It can be difficult finding the right person to talk to. Remember, you are not alone; there are many people who are in a similar position.
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Talking to someone won't help if the other person is having a great life and doesn't know what it is like to feel depressed. Common responses from people I have opened up to while feeling downcast have included:
• Pull your socks up, you only have one life. Make the most of it.
• What have you got to be so miserable about?You have a roof over your head and a good job!
• Look at all you've got, don't you know how lucky you are? Look at all the starving children in the world!
• I know many people far worse off than you.
• Don't worry, it'll all turn out OK, you'll see.
Speak to someone who knows how you are feeling. This is when organised groups like 12-Step groups come into their own. By sharing your experiences - and hearing those of others - you can begin to come out of isolation. Find a way to feel safe in another's company by testing the water. Offer a little of yourself and your struggle, and see how you feel afterwards. The healing can begin when you feel accepted by another person. You don't need the whole world to accept you - just one person will do. This will help you to feel less 'mad'. We'll look at how to find this person in a later suggestion.
Be aware that you may feel uncomfortable when talking to others because this breaks our society's 'no talk' rule. Our culture advocates the 'no-talk' rule and praises the 'I'm fine' approach. This is because many of us are scared that someone may talk about their pain, which would be too uncomfortable or embarrassing for us. Many of us have grown up with the notion that having feelings is weak and pathetic. We have ignored them and, as a consequence, have become depressed. It is time to break the 'no talk' rule and start to verbalize how we feel. It's quite amazing how people respond to us when we open up. Indeed, the majority of people will say, 'I have felt like that too.'
It is important to be careful what you talk about and to whom you talk about it. For example, don't talk to a policeman about the crime you undertook in your darkest days. No matter how much you want it off your chest, he might not see it that way. Don't express your rage at the traffic warden who has just given you a ticket; you will feel worse about yourself in the end. It is also important to establish the difference between expressing your feelings and acting on your feelings. If you go to the doctor for help with depression, it is appropriate to talk about your feelings and your despair and pain to allow him to identify how he can help you. It isn't appropriate, however, to throw yourself onto him, bury your head in his lap and sob your heart out for a good half-hour. It can be difficult finding the right person to talk to. Remember, you are not alone; there are many people who are in a similar position.
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Use Your Anger and Pain to Fight Depression
Depression holds down stuck feelings. Either you feel that you don't want to face those feelings or can't face them. Why? Because you think it would be too painful, and if you start to cry or get angry, you will never stop - and you don't want to feel out of control. The feelings may be so painful that staying depressed is preferable.
However, you have a tremendous inner reserve. Your spirit will not allow you to lose control. You will only release the feelings that you can handle. If you begin to cry, you will stop when your essence has had enough. If you let out the rage, you will become exhausted before you lose control. You will only be given what you can handle. You will only receive what you can manage. Your mind will only expend what it deems safe to expend. You will only be given what you feel is safe to let out. This is the natural human evolution. You have to trust yourself and push forward, because the central pivot to beating depression is to release those feelings. One person I counseled told me, 'When I was going through the mill, I had great concerns that I was in fact going mad and that serious damage would be done to my brain. Crazy, I know. However, I was told and I learned that this simply would not happen, as exhaustion would set in well beforehand.'
To help yourself get hold of the sadness or rage, imagine the feeling as you see it. What color is it?Where does it sit in your body? What shape is it? I had always seen my sadness and rage as a solid grey concrete block that sat on the top of my chest. The effect it had on me was to drain me, pull me down, and leave me feeling listless, heavy and hopeless, because it seemed an impossible weight to carry. By seeing the feeling, you will start to see it as it is - a finite sensation that can be dealt with -not an unidentified object that you are unable to cope with. As you cry or rage, the enormity of the feelings will subside.
LETTING OUT THE ANGER
Anger that is not dealt with in childhood can develop into depression in adulthood. It can also develop into abuse of self and others, which leads to mayhem. I believe that behind every man and woman in jail for violent behaviour lies a part of them that is in deep pain. Childhood abuse creates abusive adults. Unexpressed anger can be very dangerous - to both ourselves and others - as the anger that is suppressed comes out as rage. We have to move on from our childhood rage in order to develop into competent and happy adults, but this is not easy.
Many of us deny that we are angry but, if we are depressed, then we have hidden our anger. We are not encouraged to express this emotion - especially as children - and we are not taught how to release it. But every one of us is angry about something, and unchecked anger can lead us into situations we would choose not to be in if we thought about them rationally. If we are angry and do not deal with that anger, it will land on the top of the angry heap inside us. It doesn't go away; it just accumulates.
HERE IS A CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER:
• Chronic pain in the neck or jaw
• Sarcasm
• Ironic humor
• Boredom, apathy, disinterest
• Nightmares
• Smiling when you don't want to
• Controlling your voice
• Grinding your teeth at night
• Becoming irritated at irrelevant things
• Body tics or spasmodic movements that you are unaware of
• Stomach ulcers
• Constant cheerfulness and 'grin and bear it' attitude
• Refusing eye contact
• Clenching a thumb in a fist
• Over-politeness
• Not sleeping or sleeping too much
• Frustration at everything around you
If you don't recognize any of these signals in yourself, ask people close to you if they recognize any of them. Ask them how they can tell when you are upset about something. Just hear their response without sinking into a pit of shame. Take it as good information. It is normal to deny that we are angry because it's the way our society is. When someone is angry, others often look at them and say, 'Ooh, what's wrong with her?' It isn't generally accepted that releasing anger is a path to freedom. But it is. So you must find yours. At this point you have to take it in blind faith that if you are depressed you will have repressed anger.
Taken an hour aside for yourself and sit somewhere quiet in to write about what angers you. Make a list things - you will begin to see a common theme. Whatever your common theme is, allow yourself to indulge in the fury that accompanies your list. My lists usually encircle one main problem in my life. The ten things on your list will guide you towards your object of vehemence. Forget yourself as the nice, polite grown-up and see yourself as a screaming unreasonable toddler who has had enough.
If you need to take action to dispel the anger, thump the pillow, run it out, throw rocks in the sea, or scream your head off. Do something that dissipates the energy you feel. Let it all out and contain the fear that you will go out of control - you won't. Don't be afraid of your anger because it is very powerful. Use it for your good. Move it into determination, resolve and purpose. Make it work for you to bring about change.
After you have done this you will feel more in control. You will feel a sense of calm and you may feel the pain that is buried beneath the anger. If you don't, then stick with identifying what angers you, because you are not sated yet. Don't worry - the pain will surface when you have made the room inside you.
Some of us possess a rage that is so fierce we are scared to touch it. If you recognise this in yourself, it would be advisable to find a professional practitioner to assist you in releasing the rage in a way that will not be harmful to you or anyone else. If you are aware that this rage sits inside you, you are halfway to taking care of yourself, as awareness takes up half of the recovery from depression.
LETTING OUT THE PAIN
Anger is usually the front end of pain. The angrier we feel, the more pain we hold. We need to let out some of the anger in order to reach the pain. Once some anger has been shifted, the pain will follow. When I have felt anger in an extreme way, it is usually associated with a sense of unfairness or hopelessness, a feeling of futility, 'how dare they', and other such emotions.
Less common is when we feel tears instead of the anger. Many people have described crying when they have felt angry, as it seemed the only way to let the anger out. These are 'hard' tears that can be turned into assertion.
Allow yourself the gift of expressing your sadness. It won't go away by ignoring it; it will always stay with you until you express it. Indulge in the pain that lies behind the anger. Hold yourself tight as you let the tears out. Let go of the past. The more you let out, the more you will heal. Letting the tears out will free you from being stuck in the past. Imagine tears as the currency of healing - the more you let out, the more you will heal. Tears do not signify weakness; they signify trapped pain. Allow yourself to mourn what you have lost. Letting out your pain will lead to a state of forgiveness of yourself and others. The more pain you release, the less frightening the-feelings will become, and this will allow you to stop running from your fears.
Your sadness may dispel in hours but, for some of us who have suffered from chronic depression, it may be a long progression. What you will be delighted to discover is that it is the road home. Releasing the pain will only bring you closer to your birthright of happiness and contentment.
Don't worry if you don't reach the anger or pain immediately. Remember the attributes of denial and you will understand that your psyche will take you as far as you will go, only opening up the next layer when you are ready.
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However, you have a tremendous inner reserve. Your spirit will not allow you to lose control. You will only release the feelings that you can handle. If you begin to cry, you will stop when your essence has had enough. If you let out the rage, you will become exhausted before you lose control. You will only be given what you can handle. You will only receive what you can manage. Your mind will only expend what it deems safe to expend. You will only be given what you feel is safe to let out. This is the natural human evolution. You have to trust yourself and push forward, because the central pivot to beating depression is to release those feelings. One person I counseled told me, 'When I was going through the mill, I had great concerns that I was in fact going mad and that serious damage would be done to my brain. Crazy, I know. However, I was told and I learned that this simply would not happen, as exhaustion would set in well beforehand.'
To help yourself get hold of the sadness or rage, imagine the feeling as you see it. What color is it?Where does it sit in your body? What shape is it? I had always seen my sadness and rage as a solid grey concrete block that sat on the top of my chest. The effect it had on me was to drain me, pull me down, and leave me feeling listless, heavy and hopeless, because it seemed an impossible weight to carry. By seeing the feeling, you will start to see it as it is - a finite sensation that can be dealt with -not an unidentified object that you are unable to cope with. As you cry or rage, the enormity of the feelings will subside.
LETTING OUT THE ANGER
Anger that is not dealt with in childhood can develop into depression in adulthood. It can also develop into abuse of self and others, which leads to mayhem. I believe that behind every man and woman in jail for violent behaviour lies a part of them that is in deep pain. Childhood abuse creates abusive adults. Unexpressed anger can be very dangerous - to both ourselves and others - as the anger that is suppressed comes out as rage. We have to move on from our childhood rage in order to develop into competent and happy adults, but this is not easy.
Many of us deny that we are angry but, if we are depressed, then we have hidden our anger. We are not encouraged to express this emotion - especially as children - and we are not taught how to release it. But every one of us is angry about something, and unchecked anger can lead us into situations we would choose not to be in if we thought about them rationally. If we are angry and do not deal with that anger, it will land on the top of the angry heap inside us. It doesn't go away; it just accumulates.
HERE IS A CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER:
• Chronic pain in the neck or jaw
• Sarcasm
• Ironic humor
• Boredom, apathy, disinterest
• Nightmares
• Smiling when you don't want to
• Controlling your voice
• Grinding your teeth at night
• Becoming irritated at irrelevant things
• Body tics or spasmodic movements that you are unaware of
• Stomach ulcers
• Constant cheerfulness and 'grin and bear it' attitude
• Refusing eye contact
• Clenching a thumb in a fist
• Over-politeness
• Not sleeping or sleeping too much
• Frustration at everything around you
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• A feeling of one's life not being good enoughIf you don't recognize any of these signals in yourself, ask people close to you if they recognize any of them. Ask them how they can tell when you are upset about something. Just hear their response without sinking into a pit of shame. Take it as good information. It is normal to deny that we are angry because it's the way our society is. When someone is angry, others often look at them and say, 'Ooh, what's wrong with her?' It isn't generally accepted that releasing anger is a path to freedom. But it is. So you must find yours. At this point you have to take it in blind faith that if you are depressed you will have repressed anger.
Taken an hour aside for yourself and sit somewhere quiet in to write about what angers you. Make a list things - you will begin to see a common theme. Whatever your common theme is, allow yourself to indulge in the fury that accompanies your list. My lists usually encircle one main problem in my life. The ten things on your list will guide you towards your object of vehemence. Forget yourself as the nice, polite grown-up and see yourself as a screaming unreasonable toddler who has had enough.
If you need to take action to dispel the anger, thump the pillow, run it out, throw rocks in the sea, or scream your head off. Do something that dissipates the energy you feel. Let it all out and contain the fear that you will go out of control - you won't. Don't be afraid of your anger because it is very powerful. Use it for your good. Move it into determination, resolve and purpose. Make it work for you to bring about change.
After you have done this you will feel more in control. You will feel a sense of calm and you may feel the pain that is buried beneath the anger. If you don't, then stick with identifying what angers you, because you are not sated yet. Don't worry - the pain will surface when you have made the room inside you.
Some of us possess a rage that is so fierce we are scared to touch it. If you recognise this in yourself, it would be advisable to find a professional practitioner to assist you in releasing the rage in a way that will not be harmful to you or anyone else. If you are aware that this rage sits inside you, you are halfway to taking care of yourself, as awareness takes up half of the recovery from depression.
LETTING OUT THE PAIN
Anger is usually the front end of pain. The angrier we feel, the more pain we hold. We need to let out some of the anger in order to reach the pain. Once some anger has been shifted, the pain will follow. When I have felt anger in an extreme way, it is usually associated with a sense of unfairness or hopelessness, a feeling of futility, 'how dare they', and other such emotions.
Less common is when we feel tears instead of the anger. Many people have described crying when they have felt angry, as it seemed the only way to let the anger out. These are 'hard' tears that can be turned into assertion.
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Again, find yourself some time and a safe place. Begin to write about what you have lost or what you have that is unwanted. Be specific and honest. Don't worry about what others might think because no one will read your words. Suspend self-judgement for the moment; it is not required. Instead of seeing yourself as a mature adult, visualise yourself as a child and write as a child would write. To further this, you may want to write with a pen held in the hand you don't usually use to write with. This helps to reach your vulnerable spot - the one that's not in control and has no limits. The sense of pain may not happen immediately, but you will be a step further towards it. This has become a lifelong assignment for me3 as it helps me to reach the parts that nothing else can.Allow yourself the gift of expressing your sadness. It won't go away by ignoring it; it will always stay with you until you express it. Indulge in the pain that lies behind the anger. Hold yourself tight as you let the tears out. Let go of the past. The more you let out, the more you will heal. Letting the tears out will free you from being stuck in the past. Imagine tears as the currency of healing - the more you let out, the more you will heal. Tears do not signify weakness; they signify trapped pain. Allow yourself to mourn what you have lost. Letting out your pain will lead to a state of forgiveness of yourself and others. The more pain you release, the less frightening the-feelings will become, and this will allow you to stop running from your fears.
Your sadness may dispel in hours but, for some of us who have suffered from chronic depression, it may be a long progression. What you will be delighted to discover is that it is the road home. Releasing the pain will only bring you closer to your birthright of happiness and contentment.
Don't worry if you don't reach the anger or pain immediately. Remember the attributes of denial and you will understand that your psyche will take you as far as you will go, only opening up the next layer when you are ready.
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How To Overcome Depression with a Journal or Videotape
When you are under the oppressive weight of depression, write about it. Writing down the way you feel and what you think is comforting and will give you a sense of someone listening to you. Write the words as they flow from your heart to your fingers and allow them to spill out onto the page. This small achievement is enough to make a difference. It will help you to feel a little comfort when all else seems lost.
Having a beautiful journal to hand in which you can write helps you feel special because your words are being cherished. Writing when you need to can sometimes lead you to the reasons you feel depressed. As you write, let the words drop out of you as they come. Don't alter them to make more sense or to try to make them say what you think they should say. Simply let them be, with no judgement. Then re-read them and notice the feelings that appear in you. Don't judge the feelings but simply allow them to pass.
You can also use audio or videotape. Set up a machine into which you can talk. Speak as if you are talking to someone you can trust with all your secrets. As you talk, get to the bottom of how you are feeling. Allow yourself as much time as you need. Any machine that will play back what you have said is good enough - a Dictaphone is perfect. Once you have said all you want to say, play it back to yourself .You will be surprised at the results.
While you are doing this, begin to identify what makes you feel 'guilt' and what makes you feel 'shame'.These are two common themes we encompass if we are depressed.
Guilt is when we feel bad about 'what we have done'. Guilt lets us know there is something we need to address. It indicates that there is something about the way we have behaved that has had a negative effect on others. Staying stuck in the guilt keeps us from our sadness and we feel apart from others. Know that there is something we can 'do' to address our guilt.
Shame is when we feel bad about 'who we are'. We feel the core of us is bad but we cannot put our finger on why we feel like this. We feel shame for not being good enough, for letting others down, for needing others, for not taking care of our responsibilities. At its worst, shame tells us that we don't
When you have said everything you want to say at that moment you will most likely realize that it wasn't as much as you thought it was going to be. The central point of your depression can often be summarized in a paragraph. It is surprising how simple the problem seems when you play it back. In listening to yourself, solutions will come to you. You will gain a sense of being heard, and this will help relieve the immensity of the despair for a little while.
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Having a beautiful journal to hand in which you can write helps you feel special because your words are being cherished. Writing when you need to can sometimes lead you to the reasons you feel depressed. As you write, let the words drop out of you as they come. Don't alter them to make more sense or to try to make them say what you think they should say. Simply let them be, with no judgement. Then re-read them and notice the feelings that appear in you. Don't judge the feelings but simply allow them to pass.
You can also use audio or videotape. Set up a machine into which you can talk. Speak as if you are talking to someone you can trust with all your secrets. As you talk, get to the bottom of how you are feeling. Allow yourself as much time as you need. Any machine that will play back what you have said is good enough - a Dictaphone is perfect. Once you have said all you want to say, play it back to yourself .You will be surprised at the results.
While you are doing this, begin to identify what makes you feel 'guilt' and what makes you feel 'shame'.These are two common themes we encompass if we are depressed.
Guilt is when we feel bad about 'what we have done'. Guilt lets us know there is something we need to address. It indicates that there is something about the way we have behaved that has had a negative effect on others. Staying stuck in the guilt keeps us from our sadness and we feel apart from others. Know that there is something we can 'do' to address our guilt.
Shame is when we feel bad about 'who we are'. We feel the core of us is bad but we cannot put our finger on why we feel like this. We feel shame for not being good enough, for letting others down, for needing others, for not taking care of our responsibilities. At its worst, shame tells us that we don't
When you have said everything you want to say at that moment you will most likely realize that it wasn't as much as you thought it was going to be. The central point of your depression can often be summarized in a paragraph. It is surprising how simple the problem seems when you play it back. In listening to yourself, solutions will come to you. You will gain a sense of being heard, and this will help relieve the immensity of the despair for a little while.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
Do Only What Is Necessary
Do not do anything that you don't need to. Trying to perform when you feel depressed only compounds the message that there is something wrong with you. This is because you are trying to do things that, for the moment, are out of your reach. There is no point in competing with others at this time. Conserve your energy and, if you have the luxury of time, take yourself to bed or somewhere safe, and withdraw from the world.
There is no perfect time in the future to begin your recovery from depression; the time is right now. There is no point in obeying the rules of others and carrying on as if you are feeling 'fine'. Some time ago, when I was asked how I was and I answered 'fine', I was told it meant 'Frightened, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional'! There is some truth in this because we all say 'fine' when we mean T feel like shit and I want to go to bed and hide from the world for a week.' It is time to be honest with yourself, put yourself first, and give yourself permission to take time out from trying to please others. Drop the responsibilities that do not matter. Those that do matter include caring for children, keeping yourself fed, warm and safe, and working to bring in just enough income to make do. Other than that, there are few responsibilities that you need to take on.
If you are thinking that this suggestion is not for you, then ask yourself this question: 'Who am I competing against?' If you are not willing to slow down your workload and minimize your commitments so that you get the rest and recuperation you need to beat depression, then you are faced with a chronic spiral of decreasing energy that will only leave you feeling more helpless and hopeless.
This is the madness of depression; we know we need to slow down and move towards helping ourselves, but we fear that we will never get going again if we stop. We are scared that if we stop being as busy as we are, then our pain will overwhelm us. But remember: your denial will only lift to present you with as much as you can manage at any one time. It is now that you need to employ some of that 'blind faith'.
We can find a way of getting time to ourselves, even if it means canceling other priorities and diving under the covers. If you are frightened of coming to a complete stop, then achieve just one thing in your day and celebrate it at the end of each day - even if it is something as simple as making your bed. You will always feel better for it.
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There is no perfect time in the future to begin your recovery from depression; the time is right now. There is no point in obeying the rules of others and carrying on as if you are feeling 'fine'. Some time ago, when I was asked how I was and I answered 'fine', I was told it meant 'Frightened, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional'! There is some truth in this because we all say 'fine' when we mean T feel like shit and I want to go to bed and hide from the world for a week.' It is time to be honest with yourself, put yourself first, and give yourself permission to take time out from trying to please others. Drop the responsibilities that do not matter. Those that do matter include caring for children, keeping yourself fed, warm and safe, and working to bring in just enough income to make do. Other than that, there are few responsibilities that you need to take on.
If you are thinking that this suggestion is not for you, then ask yourself this question: 'Who am I competing against?' If you are not willing to slow down your workload and minimize your commitments so that you get the rest and recuperation you need to beat depression, then you are faced with a chronic spiral of decreasing energy that will only leave you feeling more helpless and hopeless.
This is the madness of depression; we know we need to slow down and move towards helping ourselves, but we fear that we will never get going again if we stop. We are scared that if we stop being as busy as we are, then our pain will overwhelm us. But remember: your denial will only lift to present you with as much as you can manage at any one time. It is now that you need to employ some of that 'blind faith'.
We can find a way of getting time to ourselves, even if it means canceling other priorities and diving under the covers. If you are frightened of coming to a complete stop, then achieve just one thing in your day and celebrate it at the end of each day - even if it is something as simple as making your bed. You will always feel better for it.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
Monday 1 December 2008
LEARN TO TALK TO YOURSELF
Learning to talk to yourself is the basis on which you can move yourself forward and away from your depressive state. Talk to yourself through the Adult, Parent and Child. Once you begin this practice you will easily identify the different parts of yourself, and you will pinpoint the voices that are creating your depression.
To illustrate the power of talking to yourself, take a moment out and relax. Recognize something that is a big worry in your life. Think about the worry and recognize the negative feeling that you have in your Child part. Sit with this feeling for a moment. Next, from your Adult part, find the antidote that would make your worries go away. Now, imagine that the antidote has been put into place. Really, really believe that it has happened and whatever was worrying you isn't there any more. Now feel the difference in your child.
This shows how powerful thoughts can be in that they can dominate us. The exciting discovery is that you can change the thoughts that affect the way you feel. It really is this simple. You have the power within you to succeed whether you believe it or not. The difficult part is breaking old habits that have been with you for a long time. The habits are often lifelong. But they can be changed.
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To illustrate the power of talking to yourself, take a moment out and relax. Recognize something that is a big worry in your life. Think about the worry and recognize the negative feeling that you have in your Child part. Sit with this feeling for a moment. Next, from your Adult part, find the antidote that would make your worries go away. Now, imagine that the antidote has been put into place. Really, really believe that it has happened and whatever was worrying you isn't there any more. Now feel the difference in your child.
This shows how powerful thoughts can be in that they can dominate us. The exciting discovery is that you can change the thoughts that affect the way you feel. It really is this simple. You have the power within you to succeed whether you believe it or not. The difficult part is breaking old habits that have been with you for a long time. The habits are often lifelong. But they can be changed.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
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