How to Directly Confront Your Parents

Confronting your parents directly is a choice taken only by a minority of people. This is for those who are too depressed to 'play around bashing the cushions,' because that does not do justice to what they suffered. This route involves huge personal risks because it is about confronting a perpetrator who still feels all-powerful. The point of the exercise is to diminish the power that person holds. It is not an exercise in trying to 'get them back for what they did to me.'

If you decide to take this route, make sure that you first seek professional support from a therapist and ask them if they think it would be a good idea, presuming that person would know the details of your family history. If a trusted therapist feels it would be beneficial to your recovery, you may like to consider the following suggestions for how to go about it. You could meet your parents on neutral ground, in a hotel, with a mediator, or, depending on the nature of your problem, at a solicitor's office. It would be respectful to let them know beforehand that there is something from your childhood that you need to bring out into the open. You may want to outline it in a letter beforehand.

You must be prepared to confront them without telling them how 'they' feel or who 'they' are. Instead, you will need to conduct the exchange from an T perspective. This is the way of lessening the possibility of conflict, because if we tell another how we feel rather than how they feel, there is nothing to argue about. For example, if I say to someone, 'You're always criticizing me,' their response might be, 'No, I'm not,' and then the whole question of whether or not they do is up for grabs. But if I say, 'I have never felt as if I have done the right thing in your company,' that is unarguable fact and cannot be disputed because no one else can know what we feel.

You may want to express your hurt and anger towards them, but don't act it out. Only discuss your tender feelings if you feel strong enough for any response you might get. Only go through with the exercise if you accept that you will not get them to change and they will probably deny what you are exposing. Don't do it in the hope that they will fall at your feet and beg forgiveness. Do it in the knowledge that the self-healing will come as a result of you expressing yourself, not in the response they offer.

If you receive a loving response, then that is your bonus. Don't fall into the denial of 'maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.' Do it only if you are prepared to lose a relationship with your parents, even though your hope is to build a better one.



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