Your goal may be to stop allowing yourself to feel humiliated when a colleague talks to you as though you were a delinquent teenager.
In this scenario you know that you react like a delinquent teenager, sticking two fingers up behind her back as she leaves the office or sinking into a ball of shame so that you hang your head for the rest of the day. So, you need to prepare yourself to approach the whole setup with a different frame of mind. Practice your preferred response in the mirror or with a friend until you get the right feeling in you. Next time the colleague comes in with the patronizing look on her face, draw yourself up tall, perhaps stand up as she comes in, and respond to her in the way you would imagine a prime minister, for instance, to respond - with authority and firmness. Watch with interest the way your colleague changes. Accept the change with grace because you have forced it. Note the difference you feel as she is slightly on her back foot - she is used to dealing with you in one way but you have now changed your reaction to the way she speaks to you. She may not even be able to put her finger on what has changed, because you are saying the same words but in a different way. But you know what has changed, and you will soar with confidence at your courage in responding to her differently.
What your goal doesn't need to include are things about the other person. For example, this exercise is not about destroying that person, humiliating them or trying to get them to say or do something you want them to do. You don't need to confront your colleague by telling her that you are sick and tired of being treated like a child and that if she doesn't do something about it you are going to report her. You shouldn't start a whispering campaign or sending anonymous letters - it has been known! This is not a clean or progressive course of action.
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Tuesday 25 November 2008
Learning to say 'No,Thank You'
People usually get depressed when they compromise themselves and allow others to bully them into doing things they would rather not do. We give in to others because we are frightened about the consequences of saying 'No, thank you.'When we neglect our own needs we become empty and even resentful of others. The irony is that when we outline our limitations to people making demands of us, we feel much better about giving and sharing at other times. Some people I know have recovered from depression by simply learning to say 'No, thank you' when they are being asked to take on too much. It is terrifying doing this for the first time if we are not accustomed to saying no, because we get guilt feelings for standing up for ourselves. However, it is our right to make an honest assessment of our responsibilities at any time and, if we feel uncomfortable taking on more, we should let others know our limits. Here are some tips to get going:
• Stand in front of the mirror and say 'No, thank you' to yourself until you're bored
• Now stand in front of the mirror and say 'No, thank you to yourself as the person you want to face
• Practice the conversation you need to have as you imagine it out loud with you saying 'No, thank you' at the right moment
• Practice with little things-even if you want to say yes to someone, simply say 'no' until you're used to it
• When you are ready, go to the person to whom you wish to face and just do it!
Yes, it's scary at first, but no more so than going to a party where you don't know anyone. If the thought is terrifying, then take a look at the possible outcomes of your actions. If you are petrified, then you are creating some archaic scenario from earlier in your life. As an adult, you are entitled to say 'No, thank you' to anything you don't wish to undertake if it does not feel right for you.
If you are going to confront the authority, you also have to be clear about your goal. Your goal needs to be about you and how you would like to feel. It needs to address what you need to get off your chest, how you want to change your behavior in another's company, and how you want to lessen the negative effect that someone has on you.
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• Stand in front of the mirror and say 'No, thank you' to yourself until you're bored
• Now stand in front of the mirror and say 'No, thank you to yourself as the person you want to face
• Practice the conversation you need to have as you imagine it out loud with you saying 'No, thank you' at the right moment
• Practice with little things-even if you want to say yes to someone, simply say 'no' until you're used to it
• When you are ready, go to the person to whom you wish to face and just do it!
Yes, it's scary at first, but no more so than going to a party where you don't know anyone. If the thought is terrifying, then take a look at the possible outcomes of your actions. If you are petrified, then you are creating some archaic scenario from earlier in your life. As an adult, you are entitled to say 'No, thank you' to anything you don't wish to undertake if it does not feel right for you.
If you are going to confront the authority, you also have to be clear about your goal. Your goal needs to be about you and how you would like to feel. It needs to address what you need to get off your chest, how you want to change your behavior in another's company, and how you want to lessen the negative effect that someone has on you.
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EVERY DAY, DO AT LEAST SOME OF THE FOLLOWING:
• Sink into your depression
• Let go of trying to control your feelings
• Stop trying not to be depressed
• Don't soldier on any more
• Look down towards the floor and feel the weight on your shoulders
• Feel the despair and hopelessness
• Feel the unfairness and self-pity
• If tears rise to the surface, let them out
• Ask no questions
• Indulge in your melancholy-you have permission to do so
• Feel the anger if it rises to the surface
• Let out your anger if it feels right
• Take time off- get a sick note
• Concentrate on you and no one else
• Stay in bed, damn the world
• Reel with the self-admission that you are depressed
• Make no big decisions
• Abdicate as much responsibility as you can
• Shelve your projects
• Abandon your duties
• Suspend self-criticism for surrendering
Don't move on to the next suggestion until this period has finished. Put this book away, except to re-read the first suggestion. It is now time to completely let go. Don't be afraid of what might happen; you won't lose any more control than you have lost already. Good things will come from this stage. If you feel worse than you have ever felt before this is because the feelings that you have been running from are surfacing. But it is more exhausting to be constantly running than it is to STOP, turn around and face what you have been running from. You use up far more energy running away than turning around to face the unknown. This is because you have had to contend with the exhaustion of running plus the fear of the unknown!
When I had a breakdown caused by depression, it was the running away from the problem and the feeling scared of accepting that I was depressed that wore me down. Once I had begun to accept that I was depressed, I stopped betraying myself and sought help. This was the beginning of my road to recovery.
While you undertake these tasks, you may get a sense that your depression is not as great as you thought. It's the pushing away from the depression that can make it seem overwhelming. As in so many areas of life, when we don't face what we are afraid of, whatever is tormenting us can seem so much bigger than it really is. The only way to learn this lesson is to face the threat. Unfortunately, no one can do this for us. We have to do it ourselves.
However, the good news is that each time you face your worst fear, you will grow in stamina to do it again and your courage will increase. Depression can feel like a big, black, bottomless pit.The reality is, however, that it is your fear that creates the black hole, not the depression itself. As your recovery continues, you will begin to notice a foundation to the black pit; then the pit will become more shallow; finally, you may forget there was ever a black pit there at all.
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• Let go of trying to control your feelings
• Stop trying not to be depressed
• Don't soldier on any more
• Look down towards the floor and feel the weight on your shoulders
• Feel the despair and hopelessness
• Feel the unfairness and self-pity
• If tears rise to the surface, let them out
• Ask no questions
• Indulge in your melancholy-you have permission to do so
• Feel the anger if it rises to the surface
• Let out your anger if it feels right
• Take time off- get a sick note
• Concentrate on you and no one else
• Stay in bed, damn the world
• Reel with the self-admission that you are depressed
• Make no big decisions
• Abdicate as much responsibility as you can
• Shelve your projects
• Abandon your duties
• Suspend self-criticism for surrendering
Don't move on to the next suggestion until this period has finished. Put this book away, except to re-read the first suggestion. It is now time to completely let go. Don't be afraid of what might happen; you won't lose any more control than you have lost already. Good things will come from this stage. If you feel worse than you have ever felt before this is because the feelings that you have been running from are surfacing. But it is more exhausting to be constantly running than it is to STOP, turn around and face what you have been running from. You use up far more energy running away than turning around to face the unknown. This is because you have had to contend with the exhaustion of running plus the fear of the unknown!
When I had a breakdown caused by depression, it was the running away from the problem and the feeling scared of accepting that I was depressed that wore me down. Once I had begun to accept that I was depressed, I stopped betraying myself and sought help. This was the beginning of my road to recovery.
While you undertake these tasks, you may get a sense that your depression is not as great as you thought. It's the pushing away from the depression that can make it seem overwhelming. As in so many areas of life, when we don't face what we are afraid of, whatever is tormenting us can seem so much bigger than it really is. The only way to learn this lesson is to face the threat. Unfortunately, no one can do this for us. We have to do it ourselves.
However, the good news is that each time you face your worst fear, you will grow in stamina to do it again and your courage will increase. Depression can feel like a big, black, bottomless pit.The reality is, however, that it is your fear that creates the black hole, not the depression itself. As your recovery continues, you will begin to notice a foundation to the black pit; then the pit will become more shallow; finally, you may forget there was ever a black pit there at all.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
Monday 24 November 2008
Depression Recover Milestones
It is important to know what good things to expect when you embark on this journey. For many of us, the goal is simply to beat depression, but this can encompass many unknown roads. For this reason, here is an outline of some of the milestones that you will reach if you follow the suggestions and the work plan.
• You can make mistakes and yet feel liberated from constant self-criticism
• Accept that your feelings are OK; they are not wrong or right, they are feelings
• There is no shame in struggling; you can release yourself from the pursuit of perfection
• It is OK to be honest about yourself; constantly lying is too complicated and exhausting
• You are entitled to want things
• Fear is a consequence of self-judgement; as you judge yourself less, so your fear will diminish
• Self-protection comes at a price; when you stop denying your pain, you open yourself up to the gifts of recovery
• You can laugh, play and have fun
• You can learn to take responsibility for your actions; this will help you regain your power
• You will need less 'things' from the world because you feel less pain and therefore need to medicate yourself less
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• You can make mistakes and yet feel liberated from constant self-criticism
• Accept that your feelings are OK; they are not wrong or right, they are feelings
• There is no shame in struggling; you can release yourself from the pursuit of perfection
• It is OK to be honest about yourself; constantly lying is too complicated and exhausting
• You are entitled to want things
• Fear is a consequence of self-judgement; as you judge yourself less, so your fear will diminish
• Self-protection comes at a price; when you stop denying your pain, you open yourself up to the gifts of recovery
• You can laugh, play and have fun
• You can learn to take responsibility for your actions; this will help you regain your power
• You will need less 'things' from the world because you feel less pain and therefore need to medicate yourself less
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GRIEVING FOR OUR LOSS
All of the above scenarios are about people having lost something and being unable to process it. Depression happens when we are stuck in this process. We may sit in the denial because we do not want to cry out the pain. We may push our anger down and be determined that we have no feelings. We may feel too guilty and believe we don't deserve to heal.
Even if we do not feel as though we lost our childhood, and are depressed for other reasons, how we deal with life's more difficult challenges - such as those listed above - is directly related to how we learned to deal with them as children. Negative influences from our past hinder our ability to function competently in the adult world and can lead to periods of depression and mental illness. People who do not deal with their unremitting depression can run the risk of ending up in prison, a mental institution or even dead. But there is hope for everyone to recover and many of us have recovered.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
Even if we do not feel as though we lost our childhood, and are depressed for other reasons, how we deal with life's more difficult challenges - such as those listed above - is directly related to how we learned to deal with them as children. Negative influences from our past hinder our ability to function competently in the adult world and can lead to periods of depression and mental illness. People who do not deal with their unremitting depression can run the risk of ending up in prison, a mental institution or even dead. But there is hope for everyone to recover and many of us have recovered.
If You Want Immediate Anxiety Relief, Check Out Our New Natural Technique To Stop Panic Attacks and General Anxiety Fast!
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