How to Heal and Tackle the Shame

The key to healing our shame is to expose it. Shame is like a bacteria that needs to be kept in the dark to grow. Opening ourselves up and letting in some light will kill off some of the shame. Shame left in the dark multiplies. Start by exposing it to yourself. The following exercise will help you uncover your shame, allowing it to come out of it's hiding place. You can then begin to tackle it by addressing it with your Adult self. Look at the table and its examples below. Draw an outline of the table in your journal and follow through the instruction if you feel ashamed about something. Don't worry what others might think - it is not intended for anyone else to read.

The exercise contains a suggestion that you open your shame to another person ('Expose it to another'). Only do this if you have someone, or a group, who will listen without judge­ment. If you have not found that place, wait until you find it. Healing shame involves getting to the heart of the pain. You will find pain you didn't know you had. In the first example in the table, the pain of needing to boast comes from the anguish of feeling worthless without the prop. This is painful because, like a child, we cling to a fantasy that we have to 'do' and 'own' to be accepted by others. We believe that no one will like us if they know what we are like inside. But with accurate counseling from our Adult self we can come to terms with the pain and view it in a new light. We can see that this is a childlike reaction to the world that keeps us from the world and from our potential joy.

As you begin to expose things that you feel ashamed about, you will feel better about yourself and will find yourself wanting to expose all of it. It's as though you have cleared out a messy drawer that you have been avoiding for years. Now you want to get the rest of the drawers cleared and then tackle under the bed. The feeling that comes with exposing shame is liberation.

LOOKING AT OUR BEHAVIOUR

Another way to tackle shame is to look at our behavior and identify how it has both protected and enhanced us. The goal is to take steps towards bringing the lighter side of our behavior more into focus and thereby diminishing the way it has created negative patterns.

In this exercise you have a grid with four columns. You must identify your behavior pattern, how it has had a nega­tive influence, how it has protected you and, finally, how it has enhanced you. Don't judge yourself- that's not important. What is important is that you can identify your behavior, because our depressive behavior has both negative and positive aspects to it. We have behaved in ways that have protected us and it is time to learn how we can alter our behavior to our best advantage. That is the ultimate responsibility that we can take for ourselves and it will engender compassion and reduce anxiety.

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When you begin to outline your modes of behavior, you will start to feel respect for yourself .You will begin to see that your behavior has worked well for you in many ways by keeping you safe from the outside world. You will begin to recognize that you can expand on the positive traits of your behavior while reducing the negative ones. For example, although being messy has helped you to stay busy, you can start to take steps to clear up some of your messiness, which will bring you some peace of mind. If you are always doing things for others, it may be time to stop unnecessary good deeds and concentrate on performing more good deeds for yourself .Your negative traits may have been learned as a child and served their purpose well. If you are recovering from depression, then the negative behavior has outstayed its welcome and it is time to say goodbye. You have new tools to change your behavior patterns and the self-destructiveness. Your negative behavior will diminish as you appreciate how to turn your actions into positive enhancements. This will heal the shame that goes alongside the negative behavior.



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