How to Deal with Children when Depressed

This article is a hidden topic. It's the one people don't discuss because they don't have to - it all takes place behind closed doors. Abusive parenting can happen when we get depressed. The madness of depression is that it happens even though we would give everything for it not to happen. In the depths of the suffering, we lose some self-control and are likely to affect our children in ways we regret. Untreated, depression will drive us towards treating our children in the same way we were treated. Abuse doesn't just mean physical or mental violation; it also means neglecting, taking no interest, not disciplining, not listening, not loving or simply not being present. Not only do you need to fulfill your rights in adulthood, you also need to fulfill your children's rights in childhood.

15 Minutes per Day

Children need full-time care but, as far as attention goes, they need at least 15 minutes of undivided attention a day. This 15 minutes needs to be spent with the adult's focus on the child and on nothing else. It needs to be spent doing something the child wants to do. During this time, the child needs to feel respected and cared for and the adult needs to suspend all negative feelings about the child. The child needs to feel that whatever she says or does, the love shown to her is unconditional and unquestioned. She needs to be the focal point of the adult's enjoyment for that time. Something as simple as doing a jigsaw with a toddler or sharing a cup of tea with a teenager will get the conditions right to carry out this commitment. It doesn't have to be much. Even though this seems like an obvious thing to do, when we add up the time we spend with our children, many of us are not spending 15 minutes of unadulterated time per day with our children, depressed or not. This is our gift to them.

If you cannot spend that time With your child, they are being neglected. Find someone else to do it. This could be a family friend, neighbour, childcare specialist or your partner. Explain what you want the adult to do. The adult does not need to love the child but can demonstrate a clear respect for the child as a unique human being in their own right. Get the conditions right for the carer and allow the adult and your child to share the time together. You can be there and watch and know that your child is getting what they need.

Once your child begins to receive that 15 minutes a day, they will become more 'full up'. As their worth increases as a result of receiving the undivided attention, they will be less draining on you. In turn, you will find looking after them easier.



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