• I'm giving up on trying to make myself feel better.
• I'm giving up on trying to get him/her to love me.
• I'm giving up on trying to change my parents.
Once you have identified three things that you are giving up on, write them out on a piece of paper (or use a code) and stick them in front of your nose so that you remember to give them up. Add this entreaty to your day by asking this of your Higher Power:
Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
Recite this as you look at your three things that you are giving up on today.
WRITE A JOURNAL ENTRY
Take 15 minutes to write down your thoughts and feelings. Just let them flow, but head towards the centre of your depression. Write down the deepest pain that you feel today.
WALK OUT TO THE WORLD
Imagine yourself as an island. Imagine everyone else as an island too. We all live together in a large sea. We are separate, but we affect each other. The water between us is affected by what we do and how we react. We need things from other islands in order to survive. But we don't necessarily need it from our closest island - there are many islands we can choose from. We can build bridges to other islands. We don't need to build a bridge to the islands we can see. We can make our bridges stretch out as far as we want to reach an island that has what we need. There are many islands that will delight in our arrival on their beach. We have many choices.
When we are depressed, we often choose to cut ourselves off because we feel ashamed of our depressed feelings. We become isolated, frightened and lonely. When someone passes our island, we smile and wave and pretend we're OK, but under our breath we mutter, 'Bugger off.' And, as soon as they are gone, we stop smiling and hope they don't come back. We have tricked them; they have gone and we have won.
But we haven't won and we feel worse. Our island needs supplies to flourish and ours is looking dry and undernourished. It is dying in the middle but it's only now that it's beginning to show as the leaves start to turn brown and the trees droop with thirst. We need to build a bridge to others for supplies but we're too angry, too sad and too stubborn.
Intimacy is the way that the inner, isolated part of us comes out and feels part of our magnificent world. It is the way that we can feel an integral part of life. It is one way to help us beat depression. Intimacy is the inner part of us connecting with the outer world. When we talk of intimacy, we don't mean a sexual intimacy; we mean intimacy as a way of feeling that we have reached shared ground with another person in a way that is unique to us both. It is the common denominator of two people who have taken a decision to get the conditions right to be honest to the core with each other.
We start building a bridge with a brick. When we are ready, we put down another brick. Start by taking one risk today - just one. Tell someone with whom you want to build a bridge that you feel depressed. Check out your closest friends first. Don't push yourself when it doesn't feel safe, and leave if it feels abusive, but otherwise hang on in there when you just feel like running. It is scary but there is always a back door.
If you have no one to talk to, consider organizing a counselor.
A counselor is a fast-track route to getting the conditions right for reclaiming our life. Essentially we are paying for someone to:
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• listen to us• acknowledge how we feel
• reflect back how they see it
• help us to work out the solution
For some of us, entering into counseling is akin to paying for the parenting we never received. This is why it is imperative we find someone who won't abuse us further.
Whether we talk to people we know or seek a professional to help us, we start to establish the first bridge to another island and this will open doors that we never knew were possible. Things are never as bad as we think they are when we are depressed. This will be confirmed to us when we ask someone else to look at it from his or her perspective.
So, just for today, we find one person to talk to. It can be as simple as responding honestly to someone when they ask, 'How are you?' Instead of saying, 'Fine/ we can say, 'You know, I feel really low today. 'We can gauge the response and continue or stop accordingly. We can be prepared to protect ourselves if necessary. Or we can need nothing else but simply to voice to one other person how we are. It may be enough, just for today.
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