Helpful Hints in Releasing Our Present Anger

As we lessen the burden of historic anger, we will find it easier to express our anger at something that happens today. Some of us take a long time to get to the point where we can deal with something we don't like as it happens. One of the reasons for this is that we are frightened that we may go out of control. But big anger starts with an irritation and works its way into a large ball. Once we have a handle on the historic anger, expressing present anger will become second nature.

The first thing we must do if we are frightened of expressing ourselves is to take time out when we feel angry. This will give us an opportunity to get a perspective on how angry it is appropriate to feel. We can ask another person to listen to us and help us divide up what is historic anger and what is present anger.

It is best to express our anger as close to the moment as is possible. The sooner we let it out, the easier it is to discharge and the better we feel for it. Anger can mean slight irritation; it doesn't have to mean 'all out war'. However we feel, we are entitled to our feelings. No matter how unreasonable it may sound, if that's how we feel then that's how we feel.

HERE ARE SOME HINTS TO APPROACH EXPRESSING PRESENT ANGER:

• Use plenty of words to express anger that will seem gentler than the word 'angry'. For example: irritated, frustrated, bothered, perturbed, etc.

• Start by expressing anger over trivial things. For example, 'I am frustrated when you don't call when you say you will.'

• Be open to others' responses as they explain their position. For example, they might say, 'I didn't realize that my phone call meant so much to you. 'This offers a chance of building a bridge.

• Try to explain what is beneath your anger. For example,"I am frustrated when you don't call when you say you will because I worry about your wellbeing."

• Don't express your anger when you are in a state of rage; no one wins at this point.

• As long as you are not in a state of rage, express your anger as soon as you can after the feelings arise.

Practice the words you need to express how you feel when you are alone, or with someone who is neutral and supportive, before you take it to the person for whom the anger is intended.

In terms of expressing anger, practice really does make perfect. At the beginning we find ourselves shaking like a leaf, screaming our heads off or bursting into tears. When we effectively practice expressing our anger, we will feel magnificent because we have found a way to assert ourselves that we can apply to any situation and get good results. We therefore feel that less and less can intimidate us and we feel free to live life with a permanent feeling of lightness.

Sometimes, however, we feel unclear and muddled about a situation and we need to take stock before we respond. A tip for delaying our response is to have to hand a couple of routine phrases that will help us get through those tricky moments when we are flummoxed for what to say. My favorite ones are:

• Thank you for that information, I'll take that away and think about it

• Oh, that's interesting, I didn't know that you saw it that way

This will give us time to evaluate what the other person is saying and to calm ourselves down if we are presented with a situation that renders us incapable of a clear reply. We can then come back to the person and continue where we left off with clarity and good judgment.

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The more we practice releasing present anger, the more liberated we feel. As we become more used to expressing anger on the spur of the moment, the less it will burden us and the safer we will feel because we know that we no longer need to run from a situation where we think we can't cope. We can cope, we can say what we need to say, and we can face what-ever used to terrify us.

This will play a very big part in beating depression and reclaiming our life.



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