What Can The Non-Depressed Parent Do?

Having a depressed spouse, and perhaps a depressed teen as well, can be a tremendous burden on the "healthy" parent. Supporting the family may have to take precedence over career and other priorities for the time being, if everyone is to get through their depression without long-term problems. Beyond supporting your spouse and children as described above, consider obtaining some extra support for yourself. Even if it's just the occasional conversation with a good friend or individual or family counseling, it can make a dramatic difference at such a trying time. If you are religious, members of your faith community may also be supportive. As your spouse's depression begins to lift, resuming family activities may be both therapeutic for the depressed family member(s), and a source of hope and recreation for yourself.

Occasionally, you may also be in a position to recognize and address unhealthy interaction patterns occurring around the depressed individual (s) in your family. Returning to the example of Amanda, let's look at a L.E.A.P. plan her father could develop at the time when both Amanda and her mother were depressed.

Label thoughts and feelings: I'm getting really frustrated with Amanda. She used to do so well in school, but now she seems to be just average. How does she expect to make anything of herself at this rate? To be honest, I also miss being proud of her and being able to brag a bit to the neighbors about her. I'm irritated with my wife too. She doesn't seem to realize how important an education is. All she wants is for our daughter to sit around and listen to her complaints
Empathize with your teen: What the neighbors think isn't that important. It's Amanda's happiness and her future that matter. I wonder if Amanda is getting discouraged. After all, high school is harder than elementary school. Those constant talks with her mother may be draining her energy as well. Both of them seem rather unhappy.

Explore ways to respond: I wonder if Amanda could use some time away from her mother. She needs something enjoyable to focus on. Maybe I could get her back into the choir she used to enjoy. Maybe she'd like to go skating with me on the weekends, or play some tennis in the summer. If her schoolwork is too hard, maybe a tutor for the subjects she's finding difficult would help. Her teacher might also be able to tell me more about what she should be doing in this grade. If she still struggles and looks unhappy, maybe I should arrange a check-up with the doctor. My wife's problems go way back, and I don't understand them completely. She should probably see a therapist, if I could just get her to go! On the other hand, maybe she'll be more agreeable to seeing someone if Amanda is occupied with other things after school and stops listening to her so much. Alternatively, maybe if I offered to see someone with her, she would agree.

Apply alternative ideas/plan: I'll talk to Amanda's teachers and get her the best academic support I can. Then, I'll insist on at least one nonaca-demic after-school activity, and offer to take her out skating on weekends. I'll ask the doctor if she can recommend a therapist who could see my wife, or see my wife and me together
Pick a follow up time and plan ahead: I'll stay in touch with the teacher regularly, and keep my eyes open at home. If Amanda is still unhappy and struggling at school in a month, I'll have her see the doctor as well. I'll see if the therapist has any other suggestions.



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