How to Deal with Normal Teen Behavior

For parents, adolescent development can challenge our ability to deal with strong emotions, and even affect our perception of ourselves (especially if we had difficulty with adolescence ourselves). Furthermore, parents often feel they have less influence over the behavior of adolescents than of younger children. Handling your teen's behavior may be especially problematic if she seems to be deliberately "pushing your buttons"—that is, reacting in ways that predictably make you upset.

When you feel a "button beeing pushed"

Many times, your teen's responses are less deliberate than they first appear to be. Think about these possibilities to understand underlying reasons you feel as if your buttons are being pushed:

• Maybe the teen's behavior reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past.

• Maybe her behavior elicits reactions from you that are like those of someone who hurt you in the past.

In both situations, a negative relationship from the past seems to be "replayed" between you and your teen. Also consider the following possibilities, which are more relevant to your own identity development:

• Maybe the teen's behavior reminds you of an undeveloped part of yourself. (For example, you may pride yourself in being strong and self-reliant, but your teen is repeatedly asking for help with the smallest thing—perhaps you envy her ability to rely on others.)

• Maybe the teen's behavior reminds you of a part of yourself you dislike.

• Maybe the teen's behavior reminds you of something you missed out on in your own adolescence (For example, your teen confi­dently speaks her mind, even when it annoys you, while you were too considerate of others' feelings to be so bold.)

• Maybe you miss being the mother or father of a child, and are irritated by reminders of the fact that she is now an adolescent. (For example, you are upset that your adolescent now does things alone or with others that you used to do with her.)

Consider whether one of the above may be intensifying your feelings about the situation. Then, give yourself a chance to calm down, separate your own feelings from those of your teen, and try to put yourself in her shoes. An empathic parental response should be easier in this frame of mind.

Dealing With Teen Behavior

Here are some parents' ideas for handling teen behavior, regardless of whether the teen has a diagnosis.

• Don't take it personally.

• Don't expect respect, but give it.

• Don't punish endlessly.

• Support independence by letting your teen do some things for herself. (For example, don't argue about why you won't get her a Popsicle from the fridge; just don't do it.)

• If your teen won't go to her room for a time out: give her space, send her to the store, go to your own room, or have an immediate consequence.

• Give her choices, but with limits. (For example, "Do you want to do your math first or your history?"—implying that some sort of homework will be done, but you're willing to negotiate on the order of subjects. Or, "Would you like to take the bus to school or walk?"—implying that school attendance is compulsory, but mode of transportation is negotiable.)



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