How to Not Feel like a Victim when Suffering from Depression

When we are depressed, we feel that we are victims of many things: society, another's control, authority, our parents' behavior, personal finances, our workplace, etc. This is because we have felt powerless - a debilitating state of mind that can paralyze us, and from which we feel we have no refuge. We can't even see why this is happening to us and we beg for help, we pray for mercy, or we look to others to help us get out of the mire. When we feel we have no choices, it can feel as though we are sinking into a bog from which we can't escape.

We have to acknowledge that we were once victims but, as we gain strength and self-responsibility, we are victims no more. If we suffer from feeling like a victim, this was probably due to a legacy from our childhood. Those of us who were raised without feeling a sense of autonomy will often carry this feeling into adulthood, and it will seep into our everyday life.

It will manifest itself as a feeling of dependence on others to survive. Becoming aware of our 'victim' status is the first step towards changing it.

We are not alone in this thinking. Our society is entrenched in the 'victim' culture. We are steeped in the idea that other people have a much bigger influence over us than is actually correct. We hear it in conversations, songs, fiction, the media, etc. We hear people constantly living out the victim culture: 'I can't live without you', 'She made me do it', 'You're holding me back', 'My life is incomplete without you', 'He makes me feel terrible about myself, etc.

As a nation, we live in a huge fantasy that constantly plays itself out, and we have been suckered into it. There comes a time when we have to purge ourselves of this propaganda to help us beat depression.

Some myths to be demolished:

• Someone else is responsible for the way we feel. It is not possible for another person to get inside us and change the way we feel. We put ourselves in situations that have an effect on us. It is our responsibility. Someone will say something to three people and the effect that it has on those three people will differ. What effect another person's words have on us is down to our own thinking, beliefs etc. No one can put you down without your permission.

• We can expect 'unconditional love' from another adult. Actually, we can't. Unconditional love from one adult to another is unrealistic. Many relationships with others are based on one party demanding this from another. This may easily lead to us feeling very depressed because we can end up feeling unworthy if we have based our ideals on someone else loving us 'no matter what'. Every adult relationship has a contract, whether written or unwritten. For instance, many couples would not tolerate one partner having an affair. Whether this is written down or not, it is understood. If we enter into a relationship expecting 'unconditional love', we are entering into it with a child's outlook. We cannot contemplate a fulfilling adult relationship until we have finished our childhood. If we try to build a relationship before we have finished our childhood, we are setting ourselves up to take up the victim status.

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• She/he made me do it. Our victim culture pushes us to believe that others have power over us and can make us do things we don't want to, stay in relationships we don't want to be in, and so on. Of course, this is totally false. No one can make us do something we don't wish to do. The exception is when the other person is breaking the law by blackmailing us or holding a gun to our head - an extremely unlikely scenario. But when we hear our-selves saying, 'They made me do it,' we have to ask ourselves: was there a gun at my head at the time? In fact, no one has that much power over us unless we simply give it away.

• Others have control over us. Other people have control over us only when we let them. This is usually because we want something back from them. Again, the only exception to this is if someone is breaking the law by using violence or holding us against our will.

• We have control over others. It is arrogant of us to believe we have so much power that we can control others. Indeed, if someone is allowing us to control them, it's time to look at why they would do that. What are they receiving in return, and do we want a relation-ship that includes us being in control of another?

• I can't live without him/her. Yes you can. If this is your thinking, it is time to see what is so frightening about being independent and why you are hiding behind someone else for comfort.



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