How I Discovered That My Feelings Were More Intense than "Normal"

The last time it happened was right before the holiday band performance. I had a solo—I play the saxophone—and I was nervous about it. The morning of the concert, I woke up at five even though I didn't need to get up until seven. I lay there, feeling paralyzed. I didn't know it then, but I was experiencing anxiety.

By seven that morning I was okay, but those two hours were awful. All I did was think about the performance and how I was going to mess it up. I saw myself standing on the stage, spotlight glaring on me, and I couldn't get a single note to come out of the sax without a really loud SQUAWK.

Later that night, just before I was ready to go on stage, I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt as if my heart was going to explode. I felt tingling in my arm, and I couldn't get a good breath of air. I felt as if I were smothering. I grabbed the curtain at the side of the stage to keep myself from falling. Our band director came over and asked if I was okay, but I couldn't answer her. I just stared at her, knowing I was going to die.

The next thing I remembered was waking up at the hospi­tal. They tell me I had passed out. After running lots of tests and talking to many doctors, they told me I had experienced a panic attack. That's when I finally told everyone about how often this happened to me. A big test, a party, even getting lunch in the cafeteria was enough to give me what I thought was a heart attack. I always thought I was just a shy person who might have a bad heart. I never told anyone about it, because I thought that's what everyone went through.

The doctors told me that with therapy and maybe some medication, I would be just fine. I'm glad I am not dying and that I don't have to feel that way anymore.



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